376:Unlocking Your Unstoppable Self: Two steps to change

The Art of Living Big | Subconscious | NLP | Mindset

In this weeks episode Betsy gives some insight into how your brain works, why you feel stuck and two steps to be aware of when you want to become “unstuck” for good!

Find Betsy’s Free Masterclass here www.betsypake.com/5shifts

Transcript:

Betsy [00:00:01]:
Hello. Hi, everyone. Welcome. Welcome to the show. Welcome to the art of living big. So today I’ve got a. I got. I have a lot of ideas for sure for show ideas for you today, but I’m going to stick with one that’s been coming up over and over and over again.

Betsy [00:00:18]:
But before I get to that, I just want to say, like, happy pumpkin spice season. I’m more of a peppermint season kind of girly, but I will say this. I’m more. I like pie over cake. So we’re heading into my season, right. But also, I like peppermint over pumpkin spice, but not in smells. So. So I’m excited for peppermint mocha.

Betsy [00:00:44]:
Coffee is coming. But also, I’m so excited for pumpkin spice candles and apple candles. I’ll tell you, it brought me, like, a certain level of joy this weekend to have football on. Just the sound of it, like the ritual of it. I don’t know. It was really nice. My husband was gone for the whole day. That’s really nice.

Betsy [00:01:06]:
So this is, like a really good season. And it’s so interesting to me because, you know, if you’ve been here for a long time, if you’ve followed this show for a long time, you know that I’m a beach girly. Historically, I have been a beach girly, and I have dreamed about going to the beach. In fact, I was looking in an old, old journal that I found, and it almost made me cry. Today I was looking in this old journal, and I had written down, like, every day I’ll write down five things I appreciate, and then I’ll bless my house, bless my family, bless my body, bless my work, bless my dogs, whatever that is. And I put bless my future beach, wherever it is. And it almost made me sad because I was like, oh, God. I mean, I was so in deep longing for the beach, and which is probably why I didn’t get it, because I was needy, I was thirsty for it.

Betsy [00:02:11]:
But it’s so interesting to me because historically, that’s where I’ve always been. Beach, summer. That’s my jamden. But last year I noticed, and this year, like, heading into fall, I’m happy, I feel good, I’m excited about fall, fashion, all the things, having the football on and all the things. And so I started thinking this weekend I was, like, really clearing stuff out because I had space. Not everybody was home. And I was going through some old clothes that I don’t wear anymore and getting some stuff ready to bring to goodwill. And I started thinking about this book and I want to share this book with you.

Betsy [00:02:48]:
I started thinking about this book that I had read years ago, and I think I probably talked about it on the show. My husband read it after I shared it with him. But I think when we moved, when we moved into this house last year, it must have gotten lost in transition. That’s the only thing I can think. I do occasionally weed out books, so it’s possible that it got weeded out because I thought, I’ve read it, I’ve read it a couple times or referenced it and my husband’s read it, so let’s make room for new books. And although that’s a solid thought right there, make room for new books. I was like, I really want to read that book again, so I want to tell you what the book is. And if you just happen to be a man, I know we have, like a small handful of men that listen to this show, then you might be excited about this book option as well.

Betsy [00:03:42]:
So it’s called think like a warrior five, the five inner beliefs that make you unstoppable. It’s by a guy named Darian Donnelly. And on the COVID it has like a football helmet, like a hand raising the football helmet into the. Into the air. And so it’s a. It’s about football, but even if you are like, I don’t know football, I don’t like football. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.

Betsy [00:04:06]:
The book. And again, it’s been several years since I’ve read it, but it, it goes to its stories, so it’s super easy to read. Like, let me just see how many pages it is. 231 pages. But you could probably read it in a night, you know what I mean? It’s like, got kind of bigger print. It’s easy to read. My old eyes can read it, but it goes fast. But it’s stories that highlight some of the greatest football coaches and what their belief was and what made them great.

Betsy [00:04:40]:
And it’s active things that you can do and integrate and make part of who you are. And I just. I really loved it when I wrote, when I read it. And in fact, at the time, I made, like a little booklet out of the five beliefs so that I could keep it with me. And I kept it in my purse for a long time until it was like raggedy and I had to throw it away. And then I started thinking about it this weekend, maybe because football was on and all that, and I thought, I’m going to order that book. So I reordered it so Darren Donnelly has double my money, but I like to support people that do things I like. So it’s fine.

Betsy [00:05:18]:
And I’m going to reread it. So I wanted to offer that to you in case you wanted to read a book like that this fall, too. I have been in a book club, which is a new thing for me with friends. And so I’ve been reading the book that’s in the book club, but I think I’m going to get done early on that one. I’ll be ahead of the game and so I’ll be able to have time space for this one before the next book club. Let me tell you quickly if you’re a book girly about the books. So I read lucky last month and it was pretty good. I don’t know that I would be like, oh, you got to read it.

Betsy [00:05:52]:
But it was entertaining. And the book I’m reading this time, I think I might have mentioned it like three weeks ago on the show, is the measure. Now I’m not even going to know the name of it. Measure, no, it’s called, yeah, I was right. It’s called the measure. The measure. And it’s about like everybody in the world over 22 gets this box with a string in it on their front doorstep one morning. They don’t know where it came from and the string indicates the length of their life.

Betsy [00:06:24]:
And it’s really like how does the world adapt to it? It weirdly reminds me of pandemic kind of, do you know, like that uncertainty and fear. And so I don’t know that it’s my favorite either, but I’m just telling you what I’ve been reading. But think like a warrior. The five inner beliefs that make you unstoppable. I got it on Amazon so you can get it on Amazon. Okay. All right. So this is what I want to talk about on today’s show.

Betsy [00:06:51]:
And it is an idea or a question that I get asked a lot. And I get asked a lot, like on my instagram or when I’m talking to people. It would be so helpful if people that book a call with me have heard this show first because I think it will help to connect some of the dots. And I try to connect the dots while we’re on the phone, but there’s only so much that we can do if you’re unclear of what I’m talking about. So I have a program called the Navigate method that helps women make really big decisions on whether to stay or leave their marriage. And it’s highly impactful. We get incredible results. And our testimonials, top tier.

Betsy [00:07:34]:
It’s amazing. And to get in, you have to be invited. I know, really, I’m really clear on who I can help and who I can’t. And I’m not going to invite somebody or take somebody’s money that I can’t help. And so the way that we do it is we have a masterclass that really gives you a idea of who I am in the work that I do. And then if that resonates with you, then you can book a call with me, and we can get some clarity on where you are, and I can see if I can help you. And then if I can help you, I invite you, and then you come into the program, and then we’re forever linked. For better or for worse, we are together.

Betsy [00:08:15]:
And so one of the concepts here that I think is so important is this idea that our brains work in a really specific way, and that way is geared towards keeping our physical body alive. The interesting thing is that our brains don’t really care if we are happy, if we’re having a good time, if we’re looking forward to things like, yes, our brain likes novelty. It likes routine, it likes all of these things, but it’s number one directive. The thing that’s most, most important for it is that it’s that it stays alive. You know, those people that are adrenaline junkies, like, we. Like we know, like those people, right? Like, it’s a specific kind of person, and it’s pretty rare, right? Because the way our brain is designed, it’s to keep us safe, which means to keep us doing the same exact things. Not to actually have adrenaline. Like that’s an anomaly.

Betsy [00:09:24]:
And that’s how come we talk about it, because it’s an anomaly, and it’s so different than what we’re used to or different than how we feel or what we think. And so the way that our brain works is that it is designed to keep us in the same place. And anytime that we start to move out of that, it alerts us, and it’s going to alert us in a lot of different ways. It’s going to give us a nervous system output. And that might be. That might feel like fear, that might feel like migraine headaches, right? That might feel like anxiety. It might feel like exhaustion. Like, I just got to take a nap.

Betsy [00:10:02]:
Have you ever been going through a lot of stuff, and you’re like, I am just exhausted, and you’re exhausted. It may not be because you’re active or you’re doing something, but it’s because you’re mentally taxed, because the places that you’re going are new. It’s new frontier. And so knowing that then is that my brain is designed to keep me in the same place. Anytime I’m outside of that place, I’m going to be having a reaction helps us to understand and to be able to make shifts in our life and to make changes in our life that maybe we wouldn’t have been able to make if we didn’t have that level of awareness. So, like I said, we’re going to be experiencing some sort of nervous system output, right? Whatever is coming in, we’re going to get an output that is either positive or negative. And that’s one way that we can start to judge how we handle things and where we are in terms of our higher level thinking and our ability to shift and change and adapt, right? So one of the things that happens every time I’m talking to somebody on the phone is they’re hearing what we’re saying and they’re wanting to make a shift, but they’re also feeling this opposing feeling of fear or nervousness. They’ll start really thinking about all the reasons why they should stay in the same place.

Betsy [00:11:42]:
And it might look like, well, I need to think about it. Like, I need 24 hours or I need 48 hours to think about it. And most of the time, they’ve been thinking about the change that we’re talking about. They’ve been thinking about it for years. They’ve been thinking about it for years. So what’s happening? I’m going to say a disclaimer, like, for the most part, most of the time when I talk to people, 99% of the time, what’s happening is a nervous system output, that their nervous system is trying to keep them in the same place. It’s not necessarily because what they’re saying is true for them, but it’s true for them in the moment because they’re having an output that feels really uncomfortable. And I’ll tell you, anytime we go to make change, it’s going to feel uncomfortable.

Betsy [00:12:33]:
And most of the time, in order to make a change that feels uncomfortable, you’ve got to be able to have some sort of way to regulate your nervous system. And since we teach that inside the program, chances are they don’t have it already. And so what I hear is like, oh, I gotta think about it. I gotta sleep on it. Or sometimes they’ll say, I always make decisions by sleeping on. I’ll never make a decision spur of the moment. And I always think like this, not spur of the moment. You’ve been thinking about it for years, and I bet you make decisions all the time.

Betsy [00:13:05]:
Spur of the moment, all the time. It’s just something that’s within your comfort zone, and so it doesn’t trigger any kind of response. Or I’ll hear something like, one that I hear a lot is like, well, I need to check. I need to just check in with my husband. I just want to be respectful. And although that may be true, although that may be true, that’s only coming up because you had a nervous system output, right? You had a feeling, you had something happen that made you say, I don’t know if I should do this. And so one of the things that when we go to start making changes, whether it’s with, take my deal out of it, right? Take me out of it, and just anything in your life, you go to make changes. When we start thinking about stuff, we’re making changes.

Betsy [00:13:54]:
Typically, unless you’ve been taught to do it a different way, we make changes based on our environment and our behavior. So a really great example of this is going to the gym, right? January 1. Like, what do we do? We’re like, I’m going to lose ten pounds. This is it. This is the year, and I’m going to join the gym, my environment, changing my environment, and I’m going to meal prep, right? Or I’m going to get a piece of equipment, a treadmill in my house, and I’m going to track all my food or whatever it is, right? So behavior tracking my food and my environment, adding in a treadmill or joining a gym. And those things, although they can be really great, there’s nothing inherently wrong with those things, do those things, but those things are conscious. I have to be thinking about them to do them, because it’s new. And so what that means is the moment, I’m not thinking about it.

Betsy [00:14:58]:
And what happens is, I can only think about that for so long before I can no longer. Right. This is why, like, January 20, most people, I mean, there’s a statistic on that. It’s like 92% of people, 95% of people have given up on their new year’s resolutions. Why? Because they tried to move from their environment and their behavior, which is very conscious, which means you have to be thinking about it or aware of it, which takes a lot of energy. And we only have so much conscious energy. So that means the moment I’m not consciously thinking about it. My patterns, my habits, my unconscious takes over okay, so now I know what I want, and I have some conscious things to do to achieve that.

Betsy [00:15:50]:
But now it’s January 20, and it’s all gone sideways. Or I wanted to fix my marriage, and I have a plan, and it works for a little while when I’m going to therapy, right? If we’re both going together, it’s good during that time. Then as soon as we’re done, what does it do? It goes back. Goes back to what’s the unconscious. So, if my behavior and my environment are the bottom rungs of the ladder, as I move up into my unconscious, I’m getting into my beliefs. Like, what do I really think unconsciously? My values and my identity. Who do I think I am, right? Who do I allow to have access to me? How do I show up and unconscious stuff is unconscious? It’s my facial expressions. It might be even the flush of my face, my skin tone, right? My tone of my face.

Betsy [00:16:49]:
Like, actually, like, how tight my skin looks. Did you know that my lips might get fuller or less full? It’s all unconscious. When I’m thinking about something, my eyes, my pupils will dilate. Right? You’ve probably heard of that one. So all of these things happen unconsciously. And it is a communication. We’re not. It’s such a tiny amount.

Betsy [00:17:10]:
It’s like 3% of our communication comes from words. The rest is all unconscious, which means it’s not behavior and environment. It means it’s our values, our beliefs, and our identity, who we think we are. So if you start to shift on that level, if you start to shift on that level, then my behavior and my environment don’t matter. It doesn’t matter if I’ve completed the therapy. It doesn’t matter if I’m not going to therapy with my husband. It doesn’t matter, because who we are is the kind of people that respect each other, that are polite to each other in public, right? That show that respect in public, that consider each other, that allow the other person to speak. Like, those sound like behaviors, but that’s a way of being.

Betsy [00:18:07]:
So when you shift your way of being, you don’t have to spend all the energy trying to be doing the doing. Just happens because that’s who you are. Think about it like this. Do you brush your teeth every day? Like, you probably brush your teeth? I brush my teeth, like, three times a day because I work from home and I can’t stay. Like, after I eat lunch, I’m like, I got to go brush my teeth. That’s who I am. It just feels like I can’t stand it. Feels so weird to me right at night.

Betsy [00:18:37]:
Like, I don’t have to watch a YouTube video to know how to brush my teeth. I just know how to do it because I’ve done it so much, it’s unconscious. I’ve even had times, and maybe you have too, where I’ve brushed my teeth and then I’ve washed my face and then I’ve been like, did I brush my teeth? And I’ll touch my toothbrush to see if it’s wet. The little trick I learned with my kid was young to know if she had brushed her teeth, but it’s so unconscious, I don’t even remember I did it. You may have that sometime when you drive to work, like where you’re like, oh, my God, I’m here in the parking lot, but I don’t even remember getting here. Like, it just happened, right? So why did it just happen? Because it was unconscious. It’s way on those higher levels. It’s not at the level of environment or behavior.

Betsy [00:19:25]:
So when we go to make big changes, can we change our environment and our behavior? Yeah, absolutely. Go ahead and do it. And that lots of times can satisfy our ego because we feel like, yes, I’m doing the things, but it’s way more important for long term change for you to create a life that you really want, for you to start changing who you are. Identity level, how do I allow people to treat me? What are my standards? How do I show up? What’s important to me? What are my core beliefs and values? How do I demonstrate those to the world? Knowing that level stuff for yourself creates a huge change, not only in your confidence, but also in what you’re unconsciously sending out to other people as is okay to treat you or I the standards that you have for people around you. So I want to give you this thought that maybe change is way easier than we’ve been told. Like, we’ve been told change takes a long time. Have you ever, like, dinged your arm on an iron? A hot iron? Like you probably have, and then you didn’t have to, like, ding your arm on a hot iron for 21 days to know that you didn’t want to touch the iron? Change does not have to take long. I had somebody inside our program the other day said I went to therapy for years and it almost doesn’t make sense to me.

Betsy [00:20:55]:
How come I’m so different just from going through the navigate method? Like, why am I so different? Because we didn’t work from the level that everybody else works at. That’s why it’s so effective. That’s why you feel so much better. That’s how come your nervous system outputs become totally different. That’s how come you can uplevel in ways that maybe you couldn’t before, because you’re learning a different way of being in the world. So if you want to make change, if you want to become unstuck, the first thing is to start to notice where you’re stopping yourself. Like, really, what happens? Are you getting a headache every time you think about change? Is it getting confusing? Confusion is actually a big one of mine. Fear of change shows up to me as confusion, where I’m like, I don’t even know what to do.

Betsy [00:21:44]:
I have talked about this. I have talked about this for so long, you guys, but I don’t think in earnest until, like, maybe the last month, really? About really coming up with a plan to get on TikTok. Like, I want to get on TikTok. I do these podcasts. I’ve been doing these podcasts for eight years. I can get off. I can get on and just talk. I could do TikTok.

Betsy [00:22:03]:
That would be fun. But I have a fear, because I see how mean people can be on TikTok, and so that fear leads to confusion for me. When I think about TikTok, I’m like, I don’t know what I would talk about. I don’t know what I would say. I don’t know, like, confusion. I’m not really confused. So if I want to move through that confusion, I know exactly what to do. I just haven’t really been wanting to move through that confusion, but I know exactly what to do.

Betsy [00:22:32]:
And I have talked. I did an episode, just a few episodes back about the thinking chair. I think that can really come in handy. So you’ve got to start to notice what your nervous system outputs are that are slowing you down. I always get a headache. I get confused. I get overwhelmed. I start telling myself bad things about myself, right? Like, what are those things? What are those nervous system outputs for you? And then ask yourself, what is my truth? Like, where do I really want to go? And is that truth bigger than the nervous system output? Chances are, up to this point, we have to get really sick of our own shit before it’s bigger than the output that we’re getting that’s slowing us down.

Betsy [00:23:18]:
So start noticing where you’re getting an output that’s not working for you and start asking yourself, is what I want bigger than that? And if it’s not. Give yourself a break. Don’t. Don’t deal with the nervous system outputs telling you that it’s time to change, you know, or being fearful of the change, just let yourself not change. Be like, this is where I am sometimes there’s seasons for that. Like, I’m not judging. There are seasons for that. There are times where I’m like, you know what? Like, with the TikTok, I probably got.

Betsy [00:23:53]:
I know what to do. But right now, it’s not a season for that. It’s coming. It’s coming, but it’s not now. And that’s okay. But there will come a point where your growth. Right, where I will want to be exposed right in a new way to a new audience. And that will become more important to me than the confusion.

Betsy [00:24:15]:
There will come a point where the way that you’re living your life with your husband is more unsettling and unhappy. And the thought of moving forward in your life continuing on that trajectory of unhappiness is more important than the fear you would go through when you go to get help. So think about where you are, no matter what it is. And is it worth it? Is it worth moving through that and having that moment where you’ve got to choose your future or where you are right now? I think when you can do that, that is when you live a big life. All right, thanks so much for listening. I will see you guys. I will see you guys next week. We’ll do it again.

Betsy [00:25:01]:
I have a lot more thoughts, more things to share, and I love you so much. Thanks for being here. Bye.