E. 23 - Fake Apologies vs. True Apologies: What's the Difference?

That's So Deep

Hello So Deep Peeps!

Welcome to That’s So Deep. This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about Fake Apologies vs. True Apologies: What’s the Difference?

Some deep things we cover:

1. Fake Apologies: Conditional apologies, blanket apologies, silencing apologies…we’ve heard them all and done them all.
2. True Apologies (according to Dr. Harriet Lerner):
   • Do not include the word "but".
   • Keep the focus on your actions and not on the other person's response
   • Don't overdo.
   • Don't get caught up in who's more to blame or who is right or wrong.
   • Do not serve to silence someone.
3. Apologies are the Beginning of Conversations…not the End.
4. Apologizing to Your Children Builds Connection.

Take-aways:

1. Separate an Apology from Raising an Issue: If you’re going to raise an issue, then raise an issue. That’s okay. If you are going to apologize, then apologize and mean it. Separate the two. These are two different conversations.
2. Apologize When You Feel Remorse and Make it Specific: This is where “fake it ‘till you make it” is not a great plan. If you don’t feel remorse then you have some work to do before you apologize.
3. Apologies are a Gift to the Other Person and to Yourself: When you give a gift, you need to do some work to prepare it. Don’t just throw it in a used grocery bag and toss it to the other person. Take the time to do the emotional work necessary to really prepare the gift for yourself and for the other party. Your relationship will be better for it.

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Yours in Becoming,

Phyllis & Julie

Resources and articles we referenced in the episode:

1. Harriet Lerner and Brené - I'm Sorry: How To Apologize & Why It Matters, Part 1 of 2 - Unlocking Us with Brené Brown
2. 13 Fake Apologies Used By Narcissists | Psychology Today
3. Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts: Lerner PhD, Harriet
4. Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work and What Will: Tsabary, Dr. Shefali