The Communication Pattern That's Secretly Sabotaging Your Conversations

Getting to Good Enough

Ever suggest dinner plans only to hear an immediate "no" from your partner? Or find yourself automatically disagreeing with suggestions before you've even thought them through? You're not alone—and it's not personal.

In this episode, we're diving into the fascinating world of communication patterns, specifically exploring whether you're a sameness or differences person, or a matcher or mismatcher.

Understanding these communication styles can completely transform how you navigate conversations with your spouse, friends, and colleagues. We'll also explore how seeing similarities versus differences affects everything from perfectionism to everyday interactions. Grab your favorite beverage and join us for a conversation that'll make communication feel a whole lot smoother and way less stressful.

What We Talk About

• 00:06 - Welcome and introduction to communication styles and patterns
• 02:52 - The difference between people who see similarities vs. differences
• 04:22 - How perfectionism might be linked to sorting for differences
• 05:45 - When seeing differences is actually a superpower (hello, typo spotting!)
• 07:45 - The frustration of showing your finished project to someone who immediately spots the mistake
• 09:01 - How to ask for what you need: "I just want you to be excited, not offer advice"
• 11:06 - What is mismatching and why some people automatically say "no"
• 15:58 - How to present ideas to a mismatcher without triggering their automatic "no"
• 16:37 - The magic phrase: "I don't know if this is anything you'd be interested in..."
• 19:44 - How to tell if you're a mismatcher (and why it's not a bad thing)
• 21:29 - The difference between mismatching and not wanting to be told what to do

Key Takeaways

Similarities vs. Differences: Two Different Communication Worlds

Some people naturally see what's similar when looking at things, while others immediately spot what's different. Neither is better or worse—they're just different ways of processing information. Understanding which communication pattern you have (and which one your partner has) can save you tons of frustration and miscommunication.

Perfectionism and Difference-Spotting May Be Connected

If you're constantly seeing what's not perfect, you might be someone who naturally sorts for differences. Perfectionism often means constantly noticing what takes you away from perfection rather than celebrating what's already good. The good news? This pattern can evolve over time with awareness and practice.

Mismatchers Aren't Being Difficult—They're Protecting Themselves

If someone in your life automatically says "no" to suggestions, they might be a mismatcher. This knee-jerk reaction is often a protection mechanism—a way to preserve their ability to make their own decisions without feeling pushed or manipulated. It's not personal, and it's not permanent (they often come back a day later saying "actually, that sounds good").

The Magic of Neutral Phrasing for Better Communication

Instead of asking a mismatcher a direct yes/no question ("Want to go to the new Italian place?"), try neutral phrasing that opens a conversation: "I don't know if this is anything you'd be interested in, but I heard about this new Italian place..." This communication technique allows them to hear the information and respond based on what they really want, not just their automatic reaction.

Ask for What You Need in Conversations

It's not cheating to tell someone what kind of response you're looking for. Whether it's "I just want you to be excited, I'm not looking for feedback" or "I'm just venting, not looking for solutions," being clear about what you need helps both people have a more satisfying conversation.

Bottom Line

Understanding whether you or the people in your life are matchers or mismatchers, similarity- or difference-spotters, can completely transform your communication. These patterns aren't character flaws—they're just different ways our brains are wired to process information and protect ourselves. The key is awareness: notice your own communication patterns, recognize them in others, and adjust how you present information accordingly. When you do, conversations become easier, relationships feel smoother, and everyone gets more of what they actually want.

Listener Action: This week, pay attention to how you respond when someone asks you a question or makes a suggestion. Do you feel guarded? Put on the spot? Do you automatically say no, or do you need more time? Notice the pattern without judgment—just observe. Then, if you're trying to get a "yes" from someone in your life, try using neutral phrasing instead of direct questions and see what happens.

Connect With Us

We'd love to hear from you! Did this episode help you recognize a communication pattern in yourself or someone you love? Let us know:

• Leave us a voicemail: 413-424-GTGE (4843)
• Comment on social media: @gettingtogoodenough on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube
• Email: [email protected]

Related Episodes

• Episode 53: Preventing Overwhelm - Dives into boundary-setting for people-pleasing perfectionists—essential listening whether you're a mismatcher or matcher who struggles with feeling pushed into decisions.
• Episode 17: Asking for Help - Discusses how to communicate your needs clearly.