Beyond Frequency: Understanding Your Husband’s True Sexual Needs

The XY Code

I want to extend our discussion of needs to sex. But before you roll your eyes, and click away, this will not be the typical “He needs more sex” rant.

I’d like to suggest most men have no idea what they need to be sexually satisfied. How could they? Most men come into marriage with a decade or more of a raging, unmet sex drive. Even if he was sexually active before marriage, that was lacking in many ways. Unless a man has been sexually satisfied at some point in his life, he can only guess what it would take. And most men’s guesses are skewed by their culture, their friends, and media.

If he doesn’t know what he needs, how would you be able to figure it out? Well, for starters, you probably have fewer wrong ideas about it.

Below are some things a man needs to be sexually satisfied. Most men are all about frequency. While that’s important, quantity of sex will never leave him satisfied. And if you do well at these other things, a lower frequency will take care of him.

• Your enthusiastic involvement: This is huge. He needs sex to be something the two of you do and enjoy together. Even if he’s sometimes the only one who climaxes, he needs you to be present and engaged. Initiating is one way to give him this, but he also needs you to take the lead at times, and to make suggestions and requests.
• Your feedback: In some ways, this is an extension of enthusiastic involvement. He wants to know you’re enjoying it! He also wants to learn how to make it better for you. Communicating this in the moment is great, if you can do it. But later works too, be it during afterglow or the next day.
• Give him an eyeful: He wants to see your body. He wants to see it close up. He also enjoys seeing you in sexy lingerie, or giving him a quick peek at a breast, your panties, or something more daring outside the bedroom.
• Variety: There are a few men who will be happy with the same sex over and over. But most crave a certain degree of variety. It doesn’t have to be wild or weird. Changing your position, starting on the couch, or a different time of day are all good ways to mix it up.
• Speed control: Most men have at some time felt desperate to climax. Some have felt that way every time for years. This can make fast their default speed. If he’s having enough sex, going slow will make it better. At least on some occasions, he needs to go slow and enjoy the ride.
• Pampered: Once in a while he needs to lie back and let you do it for him. That’s easier if he’s the only one who is going to climax, but you can make it happen when you both want to come. When you do this, tell him that is what is going to happen so he can relax into it. And yes, you need him to do the same for you on occasion.

I know a lot of women think they will never be able to sexually satisfy their husbands. And some have stopped trying because they think that. Please know you can do it. And it will make you his hero!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and sexual satisfaction is about way more than how often

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