The Anxious-Avoidant Trap, with Dr. John Schinnerer

Journey Forward with Joree Rose

One of the most common struggles many couples face is what’s known as the anxious-avoidant dance; it looks like this: one partner has an anxious attachment style and gets triggered by her partner needing a time out during an argument, or threatening to leave. The other partner has an avoidant attachment style and gets emotionally flooded during disagreements. During these challenging moments, the anxious partner seeks to turn towards their partner, needing to reconnect in order to calm their physiology. The avoidant person turns away from the relationship, seeking time and space to calm themselves. The anxious partner pursues the avoidant partner verbally and physically, resulting in neither person getting their needs met. And even though this is one of the most common relational dynamics we have seen in our private practice assisting couples, one of the best ways to get out of this dance is through awareness and insight into what is occurring; only then can couples get back on the path to rekindle their passion and connection. And unfortunately, we have struggled with this dynamic in our relationship as well! Listen in as we explain what this dynamic is and, more importantly, how to break out of it for a happier and more connected relationship. Here’s a hint: It takes a combination of individual work and relational work to evolve beyond it! If you are someone who is wanting to get out of dysfunctional patterns, then this episode is for you.

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