APEX Express – 04.25.24 – Hmong Teen Dating Violence Awareness

KPFA - APEX Express

A weekly magazine-style radio show featuring the voices and stories of Asians and Pacific Islanders from all corners of our community. The show is produced by a collective of media makers, deejays, and activists.

For this week’s episode of APEX Express, we are joined by Yi Thoj and Belle Vang from Hmong Innovating Politics (HIP) and Pana Lee and Jennifer Xiong from California Hmong Advocates Network – Building Our Futures (CHAN-BOF) who will go into depth about these very tough but very real and needed conversations about abusive relationships, especially within the Hmong community, where 70% of Hmong Americans are under 24 years old.

Important Resources:

• Hmong Innovating Politics website
• California Hmong Advocates Network – Building Our Futures website
• Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships infographic
• How to Spot Abusive Relationships infographic
• Do you know someone in an abusive relationship? infographic
• Are you in an abusive relationship? infographic
• What does consent look like? infographic

Transcript

Cheryl: Good evening, everyone! You are tuned in to APEX Express. I’m your host, Cheryl and tonight is an What is AACRE?, you might ask. Well comprised of 11 grassroots, social justice groups, the Asian Americans for Civil Rights and Equality (AACRE) network, leverages the power of its network to focus on long-term movement, building and support for Asian-Americans and Pacific Islanders committed to social justice. Speaking of AACRE groups, APEX express is proud to be a part of the AACRE network.

For tonight’s episode, we will be spotlighting the work of AACRE group Hmong Innovating Politics, also known as HIP. Belle Vang and Yi Thoj from HIP will be in conversation with Pana Lee and Jennifer Xiong from the California Hmong Advocates Network Building Our Futures, also known as CHAN-BOF.

They’ll be in discussion on the importance of teen dating violence awareness, especially in the Hmong community as they are among the youngest of all ethnic groups in the United States with about 70% of Hmong Americans being under 24 years old.

I know somebody, you might want to learn more about HIP and CHAN-BOF so I’ll let our speakers introduce themselves. And don’t forget. All of their socials and websites will be linked in the show notes.

Belle: Hi, everyone, thank you so much for making time in your night to join us. We really appreciate it. Today we’re going to be having a panel discussion in recognition of Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. I really want to thank CHAN-BOF for collaborating with Hmong Innovating Politics. We’re very excited to do this collab together. We’re going to do a brief introduction. So, hi, everyone. My name is Bella Gaonoucci Vang. I’m with Hmong Innovating Politics as a Communication and Narrative Manager. If you’re not one of our followers, make sure to follow us.

Hmong Innovating Politics is a grassroots organization focused on strengthening political power within Hmong communities through civic engagement. And with that being said, I’ll go ahead and pull in one of our HIP members, Yi.

Yi Thoj: Hi everyone, my name is Yi and I use she, her pronouns, and I been a HIP young adult for around three to four years. I’m also working on the Bright Spots project.

Belle: And then if we can have Pana join the conversation.

Pana: Hi, everyone. I am Pana with CHAN-BOF champion stands for California Hmong Advocates Network Building Our Future. We were two grassroots organizations

in community and outreach and this past year we have been able to provide mobile direct services to our Hmong survivors of domestic violence across the Central Valley– so from Sacramento to Fresno.

Jennifer Xiong: All right. And that leaves me. Hi, everyone. My name is Jennifer Xiong. I use she/her pronouns and I work as a program specialist with CHAN-BOF and Banak, who actually serves as my supervisor. I’m really excited and happy to be here and really grateful for HIP for giving us a space time and platform to have this conversation

Belle: Thank you again CHAN-BOF for collaborating with us here at HIP. We really appreciate all the work y’all do in the community. I know y’all individually are really great folks. I’m really excited to dive into today’s conversation. In your experience, I’m just asking everyone in the panel, where are some cultural norms or expectations within the Hmong community regarding relationships and dating, and that could be anything that you’d like to share from your own personal experiences.

Pana: I think I can go. So I think growing up in the eighties, cultural expectations for women, Hmong women, We were expected to just cook, clean, and take care of our younger siblings and our parents. Right? So if you were dating, your relatives would just look down on us.

Dating was frowned upon. I remember it was expected that if a guy is interested in you, they would have to come by your parent’s house and your parents would have to approve. I remember guys come in and during our teenage years, my mom would have to be present.

Right. My parents are really strict. Their limit was they could only stay two hours. And so my mom would ask fast questions. If they don’t qualify, they don’t meet expectations, they better be out ASAP. My parents are really, really strict.

So those were our expectations back in the 80s. We weren’t really allowed to date during my younger days that’s what we had to go through.

Yi Thoj: I feel like a lot of the gender expectations of my generation is still very much by heteronormative and patriarchal norms and construct.

I’m the youngest of 7 girls, so all of my, 6 older sisters– they’re fierce and they’re also wonderful, powerful women who have helped me navigate through a lot of the contentions that I held before, interacting with romantic encounters and engagements. And so I think having that model definitely helped me navigate through my experiences as well. I feel like our parents are like, oh, if you want to engage in romantic encounters at a young age, that’s welcome. But thankfully, they also didn’t pressure us to do so.

Jennifer Xiong: It’s got me thinking about my own experiences, very little experiences, I might add. I think about some of the things my mom has said to me, which still stick around, it’s kind of like embedded in my mind where she says Oh, ([Jennifer speaks in Hmong) meaning when your partner is visiting or at our home, you guys shouldn’t be in your bedrooms. You should be out in the living rooms because that’s really disrespectful. It, it invites negative perceptions about the person and about the relationship and it is a form of disrespect toward the, the parents and the home. I’ve also felt and seen from my older cousins or distant relatives who’ve gotten married– I think it’s centered a lot around saving face. I remember hearing stories about my cousins. If they had gone out and they came home late, for example, and the parents were extremely displeased or unhappy, and they’re like, no, you dishonored me and my daughter. You have to marry my daughter now because you took her home late, even if they didn’t do anything salacious, so to speak. I’d hear those a lot. And, for me, those are always scary. Like, Oh my gosh, they would just do that! And you’re a kid and you’re growing up hearing these and actually, I think I heard it more commonly than I expected– people marrying young because of the whole consequence of arriving home late from a date or a hangout. So those are some of my experiences or what I’ve, I heard and witnessed. Yeah.

Belle: Thank y’all for sharing. I love hearing about your experiences. I It’s really interesting how we all have different experiences, but it’s still in the same realm of a very similar community, right? Very tight knit community.

I echo both Jennifer and Yee’s experience where my parents are a little bit more lax, but at the same time, it’s like, make sure you marry someone who’s a quality person. Right? I think that’s really telling of how we see dating in the Hmong community. We don’t date to date, right? We date to commit forever. And especially, I know all of us on this panel are women identifying and that can be a very dangerous tool, right? To just date to only marry– you’re willing to put up with a lot, even if it’s not really what you want for yourself, because the way the culture shapes us is if you are dating, you’re only dating seriously. It’s not to explore, not to be curious about yourself. And so I really appreciate the way that y’all frame it and the way that you share your experiences too. And I know we touched a little bit on this as well, but kind of gauging what it looks like to be in a healthy relationship. How would you say a healthy relationship is defined within the Hmong community? And what are qualities that you consider important? For a positive and respectful relationship within the community?

Pana: So you all heard the word [Pana speaks in Hmong], right [Pana speaks in Hmong] right? [Pana speaks in Hmong] We We hear this over and over. I think even with my age, I’ve heard that. I’m pretty sure some of y’all have heard that to even my parents or friends or family, right? To me, what’s considered positive in a relationship is really compromising and allowing you to have your own space, really meeting each other in the middle, trusting each other, having boundaries, appreciating each other, respecting, having that respect, right? Effective communication, being able to communicate with each other and having empathy. Also consent. Really having the permission of something to happen or agreement. Be able to agree with something and being committed to your relationship.

Jennifer Xiong: Yeah, I wanted to add, and also share that I think a lot of the times traditional expectations around what a healthy relationship looks like in the Hmong community generally entails being constricted and confined to your pre established roles that have been gone for generations.

But I think that how we can further redefine that nowadays is to really think about how everything that Pana has already listed and shared. Right. I think it’s important that those things like healthy boundaries and having balance within a relationship, I feel a lot of those things should be contextualized to the relationship.

That’s one, but also, I think it should be formed organically, which is difficult, and there will always be ongoing conversations about what a romantic commitment looks like, and what does that mean for the exact couple, but I think it’s important to have an ongoing conversation about it, and then also it’s important to understand these layers, that , If the couple is both Hmong, it’s important to put that in context, and then it’s also, what if it’s a multiracial or multiethnic relationship? I think that’s also very important. Understanding the values, and how these things can be formed organically as well. There are certain learned behaviors, beliefs, attitudes, that we pick up as we grow up and what the kind of relationships and dynamics we witnessed as we’re growing up and then getting or getting involved in our own romantic relationships with people, and the things we witness and see can also really shape the way we go into relationships and the way we show up as partners.

I really don’t know how to define it within the Hmong community, but I will say that I have seen when relationships and dynamics of dating are built on a foundation of patriarchy, it can, relating back to what Yi and Pana says, it can build really toxic and concerning, unhealthy relationship dynamics of power and control, and not knowing how to allow your partner to have autonomy to themselves, or knowing that it’s two different people coming in together to a relationship. Power and control, when it gets mixed into this relationship, it can become really unhealthy and toxic.

So I think it’s also about unlearning those and realizing that certain attitudes, behaviors, and beliefs don’t serve in creating a healthy relationship between a partnership or a romantic relationship. Within the Hmong community, a lot of us I’ve seen unlearning those behaviors and attitudes that we may have witnessed and maybe even internalized growing up.

To answer the second part of the question what qualities are considered important for a positive respectful Relationship. I think it’s really all that you you both named. Those are important like compromise and y’all named so many other great stuff, but then I was also just cranking up the things in my mind, but I just want to echo back what Yi and Pana said, and I’ll leave it at that.

Yi Thoj: What Jennifer just shared, about what we witnessed growing up sparked something in my mind as well about the media that we consumed growing up too. I watched a ton of Tyler Crohn’s and Southeast Asian media growing up, and so much of the representations of love in there. It’s so romanticized that abuse is okay. Non consensual engagements is okay. The media and real life relationships that are reflected and also modeled throughout our lives hold such a big factor into how we view love growing into a young adult and further. I know it definitely impacted me because I was always like, Oh, I think that’s what love is, right? That’s what it’s showing on TV and things like that. Yeah, definitely holds weight.

Belle: Yeah, I love that you mentioned that Yi. I didn’t really seriously start dating until I was in college and a lot of our generation grew up watching kdramas. Like, oh so romantic, super rich Boy is in love with super poor girl and he dictates her life and buys her everything like so romantic. And I tell my partner now that i’m married, if you ever do anything like in kdramas we are not messing around. That is not cool I don’t want you to decide anything for me. I don’t want you to pretend like you’re in the hospital just as a prank You know boys over flowers. It’s really interesting how love is framed growing up and how, just like you said, it’s super romanticized. And like, you know how K dramas, you feel that excitement, like that, it’s not necessarily love, right? That’s just the thrill of being in something new, experiencing something different, but not necessarily love itself. And I really resonate with what you said earlier, Yi, about how it’s really important to form those healthy boundaries and organically. And I really closely ties to Pana’s comment about being able to create a consensual relationship and, Just like Jennifer said to like dismantling that patriarchy and foundation that we were built on.

We;re

Belle: Learning those things are really hard to because initially I thought that drama was what love was supposed to be, but love is supposed to be safe and supposed to protect you, make you feel like you belong. Right? Because we like do grow up in a society that perpetuates love in honestly a violent way, I also just kind of want to know like y’all’s thoughts on do you think there’s enough awareness about dating violence within our communities, particularly the Hmong community? And how do you feel like it’s generally perceived or even discussed amongst one another?

Pana: I actually think there’s not much awareness happening in the Hmong community. We really need to continue and bring more awareness. And it’s awareness. Prevention. Intervention. We need to continue to do that. Some parents don’t talk much to their youths about teen dating violence, what’s healthy and what’s not healthy, or actually like what to look for in a relationship.

In my household, I have only boys. And so we talk about safe sex, healthy boundaries, healthy relationship. What would they like to see in a relationship. I do this because, I’ve had experience working in the domestic violence field, sexual assault field for a long time.

And plus, that’s something that I never got from my parents. So my goal was, from now on, when I have my kids, these are stuff that I’m going to teach them. And so I kept my goals, you know, that was something that I told myself that I promised myself that I would do this, to continue to teach my kids healthy boundary, healthy relationship and dating violence., Most parents were taught when they were young you’re going to get married and just have a good life, have a good family.

Yi Thoj: All points that are so valid and so true. There are generational gaps, between the elders and ourselves and myself. My parents are around mid 60s. As much as I think I try to bridge that gap sometimes, I think youth just don’t have the language as well to fully explain to them.

There’s even the conversation about like mental health and how romantic relationships are embedded in mental health and even that in itself is a difficult conversation to start. More tangible resources to learn more about communication in terms of learning the Hmong language and whatnot would definitely help with outreach and building awareness in the community.

But I think a lot of recent events as well have also shown to me about where The reflection of culture and the communities as well Which I would also like to provide some sort of affirmation for any youth who’s watching this that these contentions and frictions within the community– it’s never a reflection of you. You know, it’s always a reflection of the larger culture and what is happening. And something that we all need to advocate for and invest into to change.

Jennifer Xiong: yeah. I agree that Bottom line, there isn’t enough awareness about dating violence within the Hmong community on many different fronts, like Pana mentioned, the prevention piece and the intervention piece. How does someone recognize or learn to recognize signs of I might be in a toxic, unhealthy relationship that is or can eventually lead into something that’s violent? Or maybe I am in a current relationship where there is violence, but I don’t know how to pick up on the signs and actually realize that, hey, I’m not in a safe place in this relationship, or in a safe relationship.

And then if your loved ones or family members or friends are recognizing it from an outside perspective, like, we lack a lot of resources and information out there for our community to engage with to learn how to intervene or also recognize it among our loved ones and the people we care about if they may be in those types of dynamics and relationships.

And then when we do recognize it, how do we step in and help? What do we do? How can we help? And yeah, so bottom line, there isn’t enough resources out there.

I think it’s still really on the, I guess the loose term, up and up. I really have a lot of faith and hope and I’ve seen, the work continue to expand and grow and obviously CHAN-BOF is a part of that, along with so many other organizations, statewide organizations that are trying to build more resources and information and push it out there into our communities, so that they know this information, they have access to it and can tap into it with our youth and young adults , and maybe even with our older folks or generations, cause I know you mentioned brought up a really great point too,in that , there’s different gaps or different ways of understanding how to talk about dating violence within the Hmong community.

Pana: Yeah, I remember my parents would tell me, [Pana speaks in Hmong] [Pana speaks in Hmong] [Pana speaks in Hmong] and I’m like I never understood that. And so growing up, getting older, I kind of understood it. And again, they said the same thing. We were talking, me and my kids were sitting in the table and we’re talking about healthy relationship and stuff. What do you look for? How would the relationship look like? What’s healthy? And then again, my dad says, yeah [Pana speaks in Hmong]

And my son was like, I don’t understand that mom. It was just very generalized, and I had to like recorrect that. This is what he means. My definition of what my dad said was Look for a healthy relationship. Get to know the person Date them

Belle: I love that example Pana because growing up everyone always told me that, and I took it at face value. You know when we speak in moments like poetry, right? but growing up I took that at face value saying like when you grow up make sure you marry someone who has Power, who has good reputation in the community, and then As I got older, my mom’s like, that’s never what I was telling you.

Jennifer Xiong: I was just telling you, marry someone who makes you happy. And I was like, Oh, how come you didn’t just say it that way? Then like you put it in a way that I was like, Oh man, I have to make sure I marry someone who’s brings honor to my family, right? Like what a Mulan way of thinking. But I feel like that’s always how I really perceive dating. And tying how Hmong is very much like poetry in our communities, I really like what Yi’s comment earlier about how there’s not really a lot of terminology in our community for even awareness about the mental health in our community. It’s very much how medical terms have only really come to fruition in our community within the past like 50 years. We don’t have anything regarding terms that we can use for mental health or dating violence, like the only thing we can use is sick, like that’s pretty much how you say when you talk about mental health.

You just say basically, you have a sickness in your head, but there’s not actual terms. When we talk about diabetes, like, [Jennifer speaks in Hmong] which literally translates to sweet blood or blood. Well, that is sweet. I hope to see, the next, I don’t want to wait 50 years. I hope in the next 20 years there is verbiage that can help the community decipher and break down and bring more awareness to the violence that’s being perpetrated in our communities as well.

Belle: I love this conversation. I really love that. You showed examples of your son, and it really feels like how intergenerationally we think. We all think so differently, even though we have good intentions it doesn’t get translated across the board.

I kind of want to elaborate a little bit more when we talked about how it’s really important to have consent when it comes to dating, how you really teach your sons that. Would you mind elaborating a little bit more about what consent looks like when it comes to dating, your perspective and how you see it within our communities as well.

Pana: Have y’all seen the little video about drinking tea ? Sometimes you can drink the tea and you’re like, I don’t want to drink it no more. You know, and so you can change at any moment, right? And being able to understand okay, I This person might not want to, so I need to be able to give that respect and step away, right?

And so, getting them to understand that. So if you all watched that video, the tea consent video. It’s really cute, and It’s really good for the youth, even for the kids. They understand it real quick.

In a relationship, you should be able to give them that space and say, Okay, I get it. I’m gonna be able to understand if someone says no, then no means no. And then their body gestures are like they’re pushing back, that means no. If my face is looking like, i’m shaking my head or you can see in my eyes like I don’t like you stay away Right? And so being able to understand that

Jennifer Xiong: I think one thing I want to add to that which is great. Like the tea consent video is super amazing at just Easily explaining under the understanding of consent, but also when someone can’t consent like when they can’t answer yes or no. For example, they’re at a party and they’ve passed out drunk. They’re just not conscious and awake and they can’t answer yes or no, decline or accept. That also is not an invitation or permission. That is not a consent, basically. So I’m going back and forth.

When a person can’t answer, it’s definitively no, because they’re not consciously aware and awake enough to give that response. So I think that is also something I wanted to add.

Yi Thoj: Yeah, I don’t have much to add to this question. I’ve never seen the tea consent video, but putting that into perspective, that is such a great analogy and wonderful example and easy way to explain things can change right in the middle of an interaction.

Also just wanting to provide admiration to Pana as well to opening up the conversations with your sons because I think that’s so important. A lot of the times younger Men or Hmong youth who are male identified. A lot of the times their influences are from other male figures in their lives who may not be the best role model. And so I’m totally leaning in towards the Hmong woman leaders in people’s lives, especially Hmong youth, and just really loving that.

Belle: I love that affirmation. we are right now a room of powerful women in our community itself. So I really, I want to like, double up on that echo Yi’s statement as well.

Cheryl: You are currently tuned in to APEX Express on 94.1 KPFA and 88.1 on KFCF. You have so far been listening to Belle Vang and Yi Thoj from Hmong Innovating Politics, also known as HIP, and Pana Lee and Jennifer Xiong from California Hmong Advocates Network Building Our Future (CHAN-BOF). We are going to take a quick music break, but don’t go anywhere. More on breaking the silence about teen dating violence awareness in the Hmong community after our break.

Welcome back. You were tuned into apex express on 94.1, KPFA 88.1. KFCF in Fresno. And online at KPFA. Dot org.

You were just listening to your track off of the Anakbayan LB May Day mix tape called “Letter to Mom” by shining sons. Anakbayan LB is a Filipino youth and student organization based in long beach, California, working to arouse, organize and mobilize the community to address issues that impact Filipinos in the U S and in the Philippines.

Now, back to the show. We are here, with belle Vang and Yi Thoj from Hmong Innovating Politics (HIP) and Pana Lee and Jennifer Xiong. From California Hmong Advocates Network Building Our Futures (CHAN-BOF). We’re talking about teen dating violence awareness and its impacts and implications in the Hmong community.

Belle: Jennifer, you talk about patriarchy and shared about how, you really tried to shape your son because you also work in this field you are definitely more eloquent work in addressing these issues. I want to dive more into what that looks like within our community and in our culture. Do you feel like there are specific cultural or community barriers that may prevent individuals, particularly Hmong individuals, from seeking help or disclosing incidents of dating violence? And what does that look like? Especially since I know CHAN-BOF does a lot of that direct work with clients.

Pana: I think because we’re so closely knitted, that’s a barrier too, being afraid of, okay, this person might know me. One example is while growing up, I was taught men were more valuable than women. I think in our family, my parents really wanted a son and they kept on trying and trying until after they got 7 daughters, they finally got their son, right? And so we were told, you have to be patient because boys, [Jennifer speaks Hmong] and as a teenager, I was like, I guess I held no value. And so, and also keeping in mind for a long time, a lot of our culturally specific organizations were mainly ran by Hmong men. Hmong men are the main person who makes the decisions

Jennifer Xiong: Some of those barriers are they don’t seek help or support. The other barrier that I experienced in high school is I had a friend who was dating someone who was really abusive and verbally abusive, physically abusive. He sexually assaulted her. When she came to me. I was like, Oh, no, you need to go to your parents. The minute she told her parents, she was forced to marry him to save face. And so, after watching what had happened to my friend made me feel like if that happened to me and I went and told my parents. But these are back in my days, though, right? I would be forced to get married, like, and that time I didn’t know that that was not okay. If someone raped you and forced you, that is not okay, but I wasn’t aware of that. She wasn’t aware of that. And so, again, we said, you know, back, awareness needs to happen. Awareness and education. That was something I remember for a long time and I felt guilty and I, I felt bad because I didn’t know who to send to go for help. I referred it back to her parents and said, yeah, your parents would help you go for it and go for it. And that’s, that’s what happened. That’s one of the other barriers. Some of our parents are not very educated in this topic, and it’s a topic that we don’t talk about.

I do want to add, there’s still strong sentiments of, victim blaming, shaming, disempowering. I’ve heard statements, or I will say, I was doing my research paper on DV in the Hmong community. My sources were like YouTube videos. And so, I found these videos of these women speaking out about their experiences of DV. In this particular example, she’s married she was pregnant and her husband was abusing her. So much so that he was dragging her down the stairs of their apartment building. And so she mentioned her stomach was basically getting shaped. She was somehow able to escape his grasp and run to a neighbor and ask them to call law enforcement. And so law enforcement came and took away the husband because they visibly could see what, what had gone on. Her mother in law had said to her, Oh. [Jennifer speaks Hmong], meaning, oh, daughter in law, why did you call law enforcement and have them take away my son? It dawned on me how we perceived some of these dynamics and abuses when it happens in relationships. And again, the whole, why did you do that instead of are you okay? What happened to you? Why did they do that to you? Or really focusing on the wellness and safety of the person being in a violent relationship, violent abusive relationship. And to add to that, the terminology and the way we frame some of the resources out there, I remember a lot of the [Jennifer speaks in Hmong] the elders, would call DV shelters [Jennifer speaks in Hmong] right. The term, the explanation of it is like the place for runaway women or wives or mothers. But in fact, these shelters meant to house and keep individuals, women, children, who were experiencing abuse and violence in their relationship safe. But then we use negative connotations and terminology to label them because it brings a lot of shame and hesitation to seek out help.

The fact that the resources that are available mainstream wise for those who are seeking help and resources because they may be in an abusive violent relationship is that there’s also a lack of culturally responsive resources and services to aid and assist our specific community members when they’re out trying to get the help that they need. I’ve witnessed and heard that a lot from the clients that I directly support and assist. Like, oh, we’ve gone here and then they mentioned not having a great experience, or being misunderstood, or I’m not feeling even safe or comfortable enough to talk about their experiences and get the resources and help that they need because some of the agencies really lacked the cultural understanding awareness or the intersection of that when it comes to dating violence or domestic violence in our own community.

Yi Thoj: Yeah, all of this is like really great examples. Also, unfortunate. I think that from my own experience with dealing with victims around me who have undergone a lot of these violences, what I’ve seen is that a lot of it is them recognizing that the harm that is being done to them is wrong. Very much so. But they’ve also internalized and conditioned themselves to accept it as something that is normal and okay, even if a lot of the times there’s this back and forth resistance of wanting to debate themselves from the situation, but then at the same time, them like always going back and this is the cycle of abuse, right, and how it works.

But one note that I would also like to make is that what I’ve also seen is that it’s really, really important that male perpetrators, especially Hmong men, it’s important that there are other Hmong men who are holding them accountable, is what I found to be true. Because as much as Hmong women who are victims and other Hmong women bystanders who are wanting to advocate for these victims try to stand up for them, These perpetrators and also the culture inherently does not change if people who are in power and have that privilege don’t actively help dismantle it, too. So, I think that it’s important to note. There’s so much power that goes into having woman led spaces and woman voices because that’s so important, but I also think there should be so much more work done from the cisgendered male counterparts in our lives and in the community

Belle: Thank y’all for that. Your sentiment is so powerful, yi and it’s Very valid. A lot of times the folks that were leading this work are often the women in our communities Like that’s just straight up facts, right? I attended a Boys and men of color conference, and one of the panels said the one time that men have these spaces together is also when women created. Right? As women, we build a lot of community for our community and at the same time, don’t get the recognition of the work that is being done. So, it’s really important that those who do have power, make sure that they implement it correctly and support communities that minorities within their communities that need that extra support.

The examples provided to I felt were very powerful, but also very traumatizing. When I was listening to your story, when you were talking about how you advise your friend to go to their family and they were forced into marriage. I know that we are different generations, but I feel like I definitely have met folks who are my age who were still forced to the situation. Those culture practices are so very normal and not unheard of. Like it’s not completely cultural shift within one generation. And I’m sure When you witnessed that, that it was very traumatizing for you too, even though you were not the one immediately affected by it, but it also shifted the way you saw community, the way you viewed culture itself. And you even expressed you felt a lot of guilt and responsibility for that. It’s really interesting that when there are those traumatizing, abusive relationships happening to those folks, and even at the third per person party that you feel that trauma in other ways as well. You mentioned how the patriarchy does affect our communities in that way. What is being done? What is being said to help heal our communities and work past these issues that are obviously very much rooted in our communities. I know we talked a little bit about the way cultural identity influences our communities.

I know we specifically talked about the Hmong community too as well. I know we only have about 10 minutes left and so I kind of just want to dive into, not necessarily solutions, but what are things that we can take, what are steps that we can take to make progressive action and change in our community? So in your opinion, what role can the Hmong community play in addressing and preventing this deep imbalance? And Are there any community led solutions that you feel could be effective within our community?

Yi Thoj: Yeah, I think as we’ve mentioned throughout the conversation, it’s important to emphasize and highlight prevention work that can be done. And that is teaching the young boys and men and ongoing older Hmong men in our lives to. Because that is community, right?

Folks who are directly within our circles, as well as people who we interact with. I think it’s important to teach them very simple things that should already be fundamental, but unfortunately are not. Such as informed consent, and then also just normal consent. I think to echo back on what I just shared as well, having more male mentors who are very much progressive and radical in their work, and also centered in the actual tangible dismantling of the culture and harmful aspects of the system, I think is, A really big part of it.

The reason why I think I’m bringing this up is because my experience with younger men who still hold a lot of these traditionalist and violent behaviors and mentalities receive a lot of their mentorship from other male mentors in their lives, and also just media consumption such as Andrew Tate and whatnot. A lot of folks in my own young adult experience very much religiously follow Andrew Tate and I had believed that we were at a point in our progressive history to where we have gone past that, but it’s still very rampant in the community and it’s affecting The youth, and it’s affecting how they interact with and also date other Hmong women as well, assuming that this is a binary relationship.

Pana: It’s time to talk about it, supporting each other, talking about what health relationship really is. And It doesn’t have to just come from the school. For a long time, a lot of our parents, we depend on the school. Oh, they’ll figure that out, right? it needs to come from everyone, every one of us. Even as a friend, as an individual, we all need to support in that piece like supportive organizations such as CHAN-BOF and HIP, right?

Continuously talking about this, bringing the awareness. If you’re feeling uncomfortable, if we’re really uncomfortable talking about a certain topic, we do need to talk about that and really addressing that. Getting to understand what’s healthy and what’s not healthy.

What are the signs of an abusive relationship? I think if we really want change, change needs to happen especially as parents and it comes from the youth too. We want a better future for our youth so I think really continue to really address this and doing a lot of prevention work because we tend to deal with a crisis and we’re forgetting about the prevention part. How do we prevent this stuff. One great example that I always use is we’re constantly supporting and trying to jump in and support people who are drowning, but we keep forgetting about, what’s happening on the other side of that river. Something’s happening and it’s the prevention education piece that we need to start doing and continue to do.

Cheryl: We’re going to take a quick music break, but don’t go anywhere. Next up,. You’re going to be listening to “cultural worker” by power struggle. More on the ways we can work towards. Teen dating violence awareness in the Hmong Comunity when we return.

Cheryl: And we’re back!. You are tuned in to KPFA on 94.1, KPFA 88.1 KFCF F in Fresno and online at kpfa.org. You were just listening to “cultural worker” by power struggle, a Filipino beat rock music artist based in the bay. We’re currently here with Belle and Yi from Hmong innovating politics, hip. And Jennifer and Pana from California Hmong advocates network, building our futures, cHAN-BOF as we discuss the ways we can address teen dating violence in the Hmong community.

Jennifer Xiong: I’m gonna echo, I mean, both of you brought up the same points, but in really distinctive examples of your own, and I really appreciate that. It is about really bolstering, our community up to be proactive and engaged and informed about this, and really equipping and building them up to be a part of this, that it’s not oh, you know, I think it’s great that obviously we do this work as current active advocates who’ve had previous quote, unquote, professional experience dealing with , crisis like this, or dealing with and supporting directly individuals who have gone or are going through this and that, like, everyone is more than capable of being equipped with the knowledge and being enforced with the knowledge and the ability To learn and understand this and be proactive about it in our community. It does lead a lot back to the whole prevention and intervention work and building up our youth and young adults. Cause you know, okay. So a side note is, so we did a lot of outreach and engagement work this past year, really putting it out in front of our community, in the Hmong community. And let me tell you, I was scared to do this because I was like, oh my gosh, people are going to be bringing their pitchforks and torches and, and they’re going to come around and be like, who’s this girl going on TV, talking about DV and providing resources and services for our community. Interestingly enough, I got like so much of the opposite reaction and responses. And I think to me, that’s really heartwarming. And it gives me a lot of hope because I got so much positive affirmation and reinforcement and feedback from even our older generations in our community and young folks too, saying this is so needed. This is critical, important. I’m so glad you’re out here. Or how can we get involved? Even being like, ,

I’m so happy that you guys are doing this work. And we really have a lot of faith because so much of our younger folks, younger generations are stepping up to do this sort of work. So I think it’s really the community, a large portion of the community, from what I’ve experienced, really recognize how important and needed this work is to implement this and incorporate this into our community so they know and understand like, Hey, violence is not okay. Dating violence is not okay. Domestic violence is not okay. But what can we do? , what do we do about it? And I think we’re at that place where people are really curious and desiring to really step up and do something about it. And again, I think what Pana and Yi mentioned.

Belle: Thank you. I love those ideas on how the Hmong community can take action to change the violence that happens in our communities, right? I love dismantling the patriarchy and empowering our youth. I think that also really comes with, I know we didn’t really touch on this, but, the 18 class system. How there really needs to be more, you mentioned, women leadership. We have a lot of women leadership in our communities, but not within our 18 class system. And why is that right? And how do we convince them that we need women in those leadership roles within our communities to represent our communities. That also ties into the same thing with Jennifer, how we really want to empower youth. We should also have youth leadership because then the folks who are in those important seats are 60 plus and so disconnected with the reality that we’re living in today.

So, you know, I just really appreciate everything y’all brought to the table today. I know we only have a few minutes left. , I know we talked a lot about youth empowerment, how there’s a lot of women leadership. Since we’re focusing on teen dating violence today, what is a tip or advice that you would have liked to receive as a teenager, now being a little bit more experienced with your relationships. And if you could say it really quick. Any of the teenagers listening out here, perk your ears up– there’s a lot of great advice in here, so make sure that you absorb it like a sponge. And I’ll just go ahead and leave it at that.

Pana: I think with me– it’s okay to not be okay, right?

It’s okay to not be okay, and it’s really okay to talk to someone. And really reach out for help and, you know, really understand that it’s okay to say no, and we are all equal.

Jennifer Xiong: For me, Oh gosh, this is hard. First things first is like, I think my teen self would have loved to know dating during your teen years. It’s not a big deal. Like, it’s okay. Don’t feel like you’re missing out or that there’s something wrong with you if you aren’t in a relationship while you’re in your teen years. Really spend that time cherishing and valuing the time you have with yourself and getting to know yourself first, so that when you do get into a relationship, you know what you want, you know, the values that you want in a relationship, the values you want to bring into a relationship, you know yourself. And also don’t forget that you are you’re worthy. You matter, you’re important. And that, anyone who disrespects you or does not value your work in a relationship more than likely aren’t worth your time and aren’t worth your tears. And so I think that’s what I would have wanted to know.

Yi Thoj: for mine, it’s very specific. How I came to be with my current partner. It was through an intersection of events with a lot of things that we’ve already discussed today as well. And so I think what I would have wanted to know is that It’s very difficult to try to empower and change the hearts and minds of people on the ground level. Even if you’re going in head strong. please treat yourself with grace in all of that.

And then lean in on your partner to help you navigate that. It’s so important. I think a lot of Hmong women and Hmong girls are taught to be hyper individualistic and independent, and it’s needing to teach that sometimes you can lean into your femininity. Sometimes you can lean in on support from other people. And also from your partner, it’s really important.

C: Thank you. I love all the self love in the room and just really great advice on being gentle with yourself and recognize that you are deserving of all the good things in life. I hope that everyone really takes that to heart and it’s just friendly reminder to continue loving yourself in the process of loving others. Love is abundant. It’s not scarcity mindset. We are here to share our love and that love should be shared with ourselves as well. We’re going to wrap today up and I just want to say thank you so much to Yi, Pana, Jennifer for joining us and thank you so much CHAN-BOF for collaborating with HIP for dating violence awareness month. We really appreciate all your effort and all the work you do in our communities as well. If you haven’t already in the audience, please make sure to follow and like HIP and CHAN-BOF so you can continue following the work that we do and support our endeavors as community members, because you are part of the change in our communities as well. Well, all so much and have a good rest of your night. Thanks everyone.

Cheryl: And that’s the end of our show. Learn more about the incredible work being done by Hmong innovating politics and CHAN-BOF by checking out our show notes.

Also HIP and CHAN-BOF ask work together to create these really helpful infographics on themes of teen dating violence awareness, such as what is consent? How do you know you’re in an abusive relationship. How can you help someone who’s in it? I found them to be really helpful. So I will also make sure to link those in the show notes as well.

Cheryl Truong: Apex express is produced by Miko Lee, Paige Chung, Jalena Keane-Lee, Preeti Mangala Shekar. Shekar, Anuj Vaidya, Kiki Rivera, Swati Rayasam, Nate Tan, Hien Nguyen, Nikki Chan, and Cheryl Truong

Tonight’s show was produced by me, cheryl. Thanks to the team at KPFA for all of their support. And thank you for listening!

The post APEX Express – 04.25.24 – Hmong Teen Dating Violence Awareness appeared first on KPFA.