Season 2 Outtakes

Casting Lots: A Survival Cannibalism Podcast

April Fool’s! We’re back for another round of outtakes from Casting Lots: A Survival Cannibalism Podcast.

CREDITS

Written, hosted and produced by Alix Penn and Carmella Lowkis.

Theme music by Daniel Wackett. Find him on Twitter @ds_wack and Soundcloud as Daniel Wackett.

Logo by Riley. Find her on Twitter and Instagram @tallestfriend.

Casting Lots is part of the Morbid Audio Podcast Network. Network sting by Mikaela Moody. Find her on Bandcamp as mikaelamoody1.

TRANSCRIPT

Carmella: Yeah, we have more snacks for a recording session than they had for the whole time they were there…

Alix [yawning]: Oh dear. Don’t have a dead body though.

C: We don’t. It could be easily remedied.

A: I’m gonna take that as a threat and just carry on.

C: Correct.

[Alix doing a terrible impression of the Casing Lots theme tune, with her voice.]

A: I can’t do, do our theme tune.

[Gasping laugh]

A: It can go in bloopers[!]

[Intro Music – Daniel Wackett]

A [singing]: Let’s get ready ready, let’s get ready ready, let’s great ready to do some survival cannibalism!

C: Yeah!

A: Storytime!

C: Storytime.

A: Now, to go back to that study from earlier ‘Cannibalism in-

C: Wait, I’ve thought of something funny to say.

A: Go for it.

A: Brent calls Sydney- who the fuck is Sydney?!

[Carmella laughs]

C: A new character this late in the story.

[Alix laughs]

A: Would- [breaks off into tongue trill of ‘I’ve forgotten the next word’]

A: The- [tongue trill]

A: In an ast– in an – in an … fucking English language.

C: Well you just lose your integrity if you start charging people money to listen to your voice. [Shuffling noises.] Please sponsor us.

[Alix laughs]

C: Yes.

A: Yes. I was, meh, afa- apha. I’ve forgotten how to say ‘apha’ aphapo’ – fuck.

C: An? Anthropofh? Anthro-fucking hell!

[Alix laughs]

A: Anthropophagy.

A: Balalalala- starving to death. End of the famining, faming, famINE.

A: And emphapishing – emphaphasing[!]

A: All of this re-plu. All of his replies came ount in gibberish.

[Pause. Carmella laughs.]

A: Bit like me trying t’ talk.

C: I feel like I’ve been there.

[Alix cackles.]

A: During the rebellion Zhang Xun is a loyalist and he- Darcy! [A faint bark]

C: Time to scream.

[Alix laughs]

C: Well, I’m gonna have a cup of tea. A drink of tea even. I’ve got a cup of tea.

A: Glug.

C: Yeah, I’m gon’ glug.

A: In nineteenth eighte- fuck I thought this was twenty first century it’s twentieth century, bollocks. Oh well.

A: In 1898- Nope!

[Carmella laughs]

C: What century are we in?!

A: I- I-

C: Oh they’ve all blurred into one.

A: What is time?

A [bad American accent]: You are the jury of your peers.

C [slightly better American accent]: Surely there’s more than one person on this jury? Erm!

[Alix laughs]

A: For example when he’s asked about the size of the hatchet wounds on the back of the bodies-

C: You might have some tongue noises in the background?

A: Arrrgh.

C: Sorry, I’m being kissed. It’s okay darling.

A: Darcy, you’re a menace to society.

C: You might want to start that sentence again.

A: It was a very long sentence.

C: Sorry! I was hoping she’d stop and it wouldn’t be too much of a problem.

A: Al Packer has been caught, that was… different caught.

C: Captured. Apprehended!

A: Apprehended, I’ll have that one thank you!

A: ‘sokay I can’t feel my foot either.

[Carmella laughs, shuffling noises.]

A: It’s almost like having a puppy directly-

C: Well, yeah.

A: At least she’s maintaining social distance for us.

C: She’s being nice and quiet and peaceful.

A [becoming an American accent]: These had been noa- [accent stops] Fucken hell, I’ve lit- I love it when I don’t finish my sentence.

[Carmella laughs]

A: “And the” Very useful. Okay.

A: And Oliver Lousinster. [snorts]

C: German?

A: German.

C: Oh.

[Talking over themselves coming up with various ways of pronouncing Loutsenhizer]

C: It’s got a -hizer on the end.

A: Loutsenhizer? Loutsenhizer? Loutsenhizer.

C: That sounds like a name.

A: And Oliver Loutsen-izer [Alix splutters] fucken hell.

C: Well actually it sounds like a breed of dog but…

[Alix laughs]

A: And Oliver Loutsenhizer-

[Cackles]

C: You know that llamas in hats? The llamas that ate people hands?

A [shocked]: No!

C: It’s like a Youtube animation [A: Oh] like the early flash animation days [A: Oh, oh!] Carl, not again Carl remember him?

A: No?

C: I’ll send this to you. Anyway, those llamas ate humans so this alpaca did too.

A: That is fair.

C: Cut, all of that.

A: Yeah.

A: You are also the judge.

[Carmella laughs]

C: Well I haven’t come up with a persona for the judge yet!

A: It’s fine, you can just-

[Carmella laughs]

A: Since the horrofic- horrofic[!]

C [American accent]: Since we’re in Colorado, I think?

A [also an American accent]: Colorado does have a river,

C [accent] : I do-

A [accent]: it’s called the Colorado.

[Alix trills.]

A: Terrible fate of the Donner Party, blah blah blah.

A: … There aren’t any planes in the nineteenth century either!

C: Why are there planes now? Aren’t we in like a national, international pandemic?

A: We are in an international pandemic.

C: Where they flying?

A: But we’re in a country run by idiots.

C: True.

A: There’s only like two countries around the world that doesn’t quarantine us immediately, but still.

C: Some people go to Disneyland, [Alix laughs] some people go to the Cannibal Bar & Grill.

[Alix cackles]

A: Major Agnes McDonald – shit do we say lieutenant or lef-tenant?

C: Major Agnes McDonald? .. Angus.

A: Angus.

C: Wait, that’s the guy from Adventure Zone, Angus McDonald.

[pause]

C: You not listened to TAZ?

A: No. He came up with it first. Angus.

C: Would you like to say his name as a guy’s name Angus instead of Agnes?

A: Yeah. One sec do we say lieutenant or lef-tenant?

C: Erm-

A: Just the British way.

C: I have been saying lef-tenant [A: lef-tenant] unless they’re American. [A: Okay] And if they’re American I’ve been saying [Carmella, American accent] lieutenant [A: lef-tenant] in a mocking voice.

A: Don’t confuse me any more, lef-tenant. [C: Sorry] Lef-tenant.

A: Angus.

A: Major Anges McDonald – I don’t wanna say it. Major Angus?

A: Major Agnes McDonald gives an anecdote-

C: Angus McDonald.

A: Fuck.

C: I wouldn’t quibble it but Agnes is woman’s name and confuses me every time.

A: Agnes!

C: No!

A: No. Angus.

[Laughs]

A: Angus!

C: Yes.

A: Her uncle Angus Mc- Angus Mc-

C: Yep!

A: Angus M- Major Angus – I don’t wanna say that name, Angus?

C: Yeah.

A: Major Anges McDon-

[Carmella snorts]

C: No-

A: I can’t-

C: You got it right the first time.

A: Angus.

C: Ooh, tell me about these bad things that happen at sea, that are worse. That didn’t make sense.

[Alix giggles.]

A: Approximately 25% of Northern Canada-

C&A [in unison]: Canada?!

[Carmella laughs]

A: Approximately 25% of Northern China…

C: That old… gem? Is that the saying?

A: Yeah. Do you want to say that without the hesitancy?

[Carmella laughs]

C: That old chestnut! That’s what-

[Alix laughs]

C: I’m mixing up the bad penny and the chestnut.

[Alix laughs]

C: I do that all the time with idioms. Erm.

A: We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it. My favourite.

C: Exactly.

A: Aminosity.. that’s not right! Is that right Aminosity?

C: Animosity?

[Both repeat animosity & aminosity.]

A: Animosity, that sounds right.

A: Brent has an intense moment of guilt when he eats a mushroom…

[Both burst out laughing]

C: We’ve all, we’ve all felt that right? … No probably poisonous mushroom. Cut that.

A: Very Catholic.

[Carmella laughs]

A: I feel like my China one is slightly less awful after this…

C: Oh, it get-

[Alix laughs]

C: It gets so much worse Alix, I’ve got some really bad stories coming.

A: And in the branches of the jungle trees Gibson can “see the faces of person after person who had been in the boat. The Javanese, Mrs Nunn […] and the brigadier were all there.” I have removed, some of the racism, from that quote.

C: Thank you for that. It’s very ‘Empty Chairs at Empty Tables.’

A: It’s, it’s quite overdramatic. It’s almost like he was publishing this ten years after having told his story and making it sound good.

C: Hmmm.

A: I mean it could also be true, but we’ll come onto that later.

A: And – [faint sirens in the background] fuck the police – wa-wawawa-wah

[Carmella laughs]

C: Don’t say that while talking about cannibalism, we don’t want to get arrested.

[Alix laughs]

A: Had been murderfer food.

C: So these- I always say ‘so’ did you notice that in editing? All of my sentences [A: Yeah] start with so. [A: Yup.] And all of yours start with ‘but’.

[Both laugh.]

C: … that didn’t make sense.

A: No, I like it.

A: And while it is very evident that [pause] … was that squeak inside my head or my voice? .. Okay, it was in, it was like inside my face.

[Carmella laughs]

A: Okay, so that was weird.

A: In account of the ‘heat, thristh, and exposure.’ D-

C: Do you wanna say that again?

A: … Why?

C: You said ‘thirst’ wrong you were like ‘thirft’

A: Thirft. You dunno. You weren’t there.

[Carmella laughs]

[Dop barking in background.]

A: I can hear you Darcy.

C: Time to argue.

[Dog barking]

A: Boof.

A: Unlike those fourteenth century bastards!

[Carmella laughs]

A: I’m not sure we can keep that?

C: No.

[Alix laughs]

A: That’s not even the fact that we’ve got a bit weird from recording for so long, that’s in the script.

C: There are some really loud birds outside.

A: They’re taunting our survivors.

C: They are.

A: Bastards.

A: Do we have to work out how long 25 foot is again?

C: No. I know how tall I am. I’m 5”2-

A: You’re 25 foot tall?

C: I’m 5”2 so I’m imagining it to be about as wide as me and about as long as five of me, and I know that doesn’t quite add up but I’ve gotta round!

[Alix laughs]

C [American accent]: Well I’m not too good at maths, but that don’t add up.

A: What’s ‘maths’? It is ‘math’.

C: Oh-

A: You work in publishing, you’ve come across that falling in love with the coronavirus story surely?

C: Oh the- yeah yeah yeah. Isn’t it Chuck Tingle? No.

A: No.

C: Is there another one?

A: It’s another one.

C: Oh, okay. No Chuck Tingle did the, handwashing one didn’t he?

A: Yeah, ‘cause Chuck Tingle is responsible.

C: Yeah.

A: The Rooseboom, Rooseboom – The Rooseboom always- always?! The Rooseboom also takes on board survivors of another wreck [ominous clattering noises] I’m gonna move [faint crashing noise]-

[Both laugh]

A: I’m just gonna destroy the studio. You take the skull. Oh, ah, social distancing. Ah, his mask has fallen off.

C: That’s okay, I don’t think he’s gonna be given me coronavirus.

A: Now you have to cite Miss Saigon!

C: Oh no, please we need some credibility.

[Alix cackles then trills]

C: Flatters sends a cor-eer-

A: Is cannibalism halal?

C: I was talking about the dogs.

A: Ohhh.

C: I dunno, cause there are certain animals that are never halal, right? I feel we’ve had this conversation, can’t remember what the answer was. Now is it ‘cor-eer’ or courier?

A: Courier. No?

C: Coreer? Korea. No.

A: No it’s not. Coreer. No. Fuck.

C: I’m thinking too much now. Messenger!

A: Courier, courier! It’s courier.

C: Flatters sends a coreer. … Fuck.

[Alix laughs]

C: Korea?

[They bounce between pronunciations of courier]

C [laughing] :… I’m gonna say messenger, I’ve said it too many times now.

A: The Cessna 172 otherwise known as the Skyhawk, which according to according to Cessna.com is the, quote, “ultimate training aircraft and the most popular single-engine aircraft ever built” – I got that subtle refence to talk into the microphone [getting slowly louder] so I will turn round and say that sentence into the microphone.

[Both laugh]

A: Mixture of Dutch offices – officers, [offices!]

C: Offices. Weird they just evacuated the whole office building?

A: Ah, well if they’re good at the job?

A: It’s six o’clock, we’ve been recording for a solid six hours.

[Pained laugher from Carmella.]

A: Okay!

A: Do I keep the weird cockney [C: Yes!] Churchill? Okay, cool. I’m gonna stick with that voice. Luckily Churchill has nothing else to say for this episode.

A: If I’m hungry enough I’ll eat pine- pineapple on pizza.

C: Do you wanna say that without a break in it because it was quite funny?

[Alix laughs]

A: If I’m hung- I actually don’t mind pineapple on pizza [Carmella laughs] it was the only controversial food I could think of.

[Carmella laughs]

A: Thank you for managing a genuine laugh on like the twelfth take.

[Carmella still laughing.]

A: Do you want to read it in an American accent for me Carmella?

C: I could, is he American?

A: They’re all American.

C: Okay.

A: … Apart from the ones that aren’t. [C: Yeah] Yes, he is American.

C: Okay. [Australian? Accent] It was a close fight. [Accent drops] No, no that’s not, that’s a bad America-

[Alix giggles]

C: That’s not quite what I’m going for. Wait let me sing some High School Musical-

A: Go for it.

C [American accent, singing]: This is not what I want, this is not what I planned.

C [spoken]: Okay, I’m there!

A: Very relevant for cannibalism as well.

[Giggles]

C [Americanish accent]: It was a close fight. [Accent drops.] No I’m not there, I’m not there Alix, I’m not in my accent zone.

A: Carmella is having an existential crisis.

C: I am, I’m having a breakdown.

A: Don’t have a breakdown. You’ll have nothing- you’ll have no breakdown left for when they go take us to tier three.

[Carmella laughs]

A: Doesn’t hurt that they he didn’t actually kill them. But. [C: Mhmm] The intention was there, they meeeeant to let their father kill them for food. It’s not their fault that he was too much of a wimp to do it.

A: On the seventh day an American ship the Polill- [snorts] Polio?

C: P- Polillo.

A: Polillo.

C: Maybe?

A: I’ll go with it.

C: Sounds like someone trying to say pillow.

A: Polillo [singing] Polillo. [spoken] Po-lil-o

C: Erm, most of this was because the map in the book that I was reading was absolutely unserviceable.

A: Well they just knew fuck all about geography back the

C: It was published in 2008!

[Both laugh, Alix cackles.]

A: Casting Lots…

[Carmella laughs]

A: A fake geography podcast.

A: Given his watch to young Sparks-

C: To lick. … No that was the compass, never mind that just made me sound like a weirdo. Edit that out.

[Alix cackles]

A: Had given his watch to young- [breaks down laughing]

C: Sorry!

A: A watch in these trying times.

[Carmella laughs]

C: Ham water, that’s a thing.

A: … Is it?

C: I feel like it’s a thing.

A: It is now.

C [definitive]: Ham water. Anyway, please-

A: Are you thinking of stock?

C: N- I know what stock is!

A: That they the officers, engineers and mates had quote-

C: Oww, she kicked me, you kicked me.

A: Darce, Darcy you’re gonna have to go ‘cause we can’t keep an eye on you investigating your wound.

C: Maybe we could just put a little muzzle on her?

[Alix snorts]

C: I don’t think that would work.

A: I, I think HR would have something to say. [In ‘talking to animals and babies voice’] Come on bubba, kim on, oh big stretch!

C: Awh. Goodbye Darcy, I might – oh, we’re still recording.

[Both laugh]

A: After that aeroplane fucks off!

C: We’re in thirteenth century Italy, we don’t have any aeroplanes.

C: Instead, the guy who’s been trusted with the camel full of water-

[Alix snorts]

C: Is that the way to phrase that?

[Alix laughs]

A: No. I think you should keep it.

A: He didn’t request permission-

[Dog belch, both laugh]

C: What was that?

A: Did you not like the cannibalism?

C: He didn’t request permission.

A: Yeah.

C: But in 1879 Flatters was appointed to the high commission of the Trans Saharan whale-way.

A: Do you wanna try that again?

[Laughs]

C: Yeah.

A: “Flesh bubbled in a pot in-“ [trills] “Flesh bubbled in a pot above the fire in a pail.”

C: That’s, you where the one who was saying ‘do you have anything too gruesome?’ [Alix Laughs] That’s pretty bad Alix!

A: Darcy, stop eating the wires.

C: You’re so cute, but such a nuisance.

A [pretending to be Darcy]: Oh but I’m sleepy because I had surgery.

C: I know.

A [as Darcy]: And I’ve got the wrong number of nipples.

[Carmella laughs]

A: I know, it’s hard, go bobos.

A: Alongside the quote-

[Faint thud]

C: I swear to god, [Alix laughs] Darcy! Just listen nicely to the story.

A: Don’t you want to hear about a nice cannibalism story?

C: I want to.

[Background animal noises.]

A [talking to animals and or children voice]: I know, you’re so beautiful, kim on then, kim on them, oh good girl. Say goodbye to the nice people of Casting Lots.

[Faint thump, Carmella laughs.]

C: Boop.

A: Or you could just boop the microphone.

C: It’s got dog slobber on it.

A: Heehee. You slobbered the microphone.

C: Thank you.

A: The majority of the accounts of the siege of I’ve—fuck.

[Carmella laughs]

A: I’ll try that with the actual quote.

C: One of the main sources I’m using is… a book, by a man.

[Alix laughs]

C: Let me switch to a different googledoc.

A: That’s not very feminist of you.

[Carmella chuckles.]

[Background radio interference.]

C: Could you keep that open for me for a second whilst I do the sentence so I can read it?

A: Erm, I could, but it’s now gone. Come back.

[Static gets worse.]

A: Oh the crackle, the crackle, the crackle! Just Eat, fuck off that’s very inappropriate.

[Carm giggles, static.]

A: Why do they keep putting this man in charge of Arctic expeditions?

C: I- is this the first one he leads? No he led the other one that failed.

[Laughs]

C: I don’t know the answer.

A: Did I not include that bit?

C: I dunno, what bit?

A: What bit?

C: What bit!

A: What bit!

C: If you didn’t include it how would I know?

A: How would you know?

A: And hard-

[Rustling noise]

A: I didn’t realise that made such a noise.

[Carmella chuckles]

A: Podcasting in my pajamas.

[Alix coughs]

C: Great[!] Coronavirus.

A: Its not coronavirus!

A: The majority of survivors are onboard the Lundin patented li-feboat, I don’t know why I’ve included the lifeboat patent I’m just gonna take it out.

C [Posh English accent]: Oh a lifeboat from London haha!

A: No it’s a Lundin.

C: Oh a Lundin.

A: L-U-N-D-I-N

C: Ohhh.

A: So quite lit- Lundin.

C: It’s a brand name, I just thought you were saying London weirdly.

C: Would you like to ask your question again and then I can answer it as if I know the answer?

[Background noises]

A: I can’t really remember what my question was.

C: I think it was ‘where’s Franklin going?’

A: Where’s Franklin going?

[Laughs]

C: Next up, their trek takes them into hilly country where they find stones covered in litchen, no.

Simultaneously: Lichen.

C: Fuck.

[Alix laughs]

C: I knew, I knew that, I knew it as I said it.

C: I couldn’t remember what day it was today-

A: I was like no-

C: Just trying to remember if we’re on an anniversary or not, it doesn’t matter because the episode won’t be going out then, but whatevs…

A: You know what they say about the calm before the storm? I’ll say that annunciating a single word in that sentence.

[Carmella laughs]

A: Our main swour- our main source is an assistant engineer, so he’s you know, down in the engines.

C: Okay okay.

A: Well not in the engines obviously.

C: Isn’t that, isn’t that how engines work? You just have a little man running round like a hamster in a wheel?

[Alix laughs]

C: The family Della Ghesta- wait.

[Alix laughs]

C [quietly]: the family Della Gherar… [Normal volume] I fucken know how to say this because I looked it up and one of, and the family’s still around now and one of them’s like an Italian actor? [A: Ooh] Like, in Italy.

A: Well, yeah, that’s where the Italians are from.

C: You can get Italian actors who have like broken out and are in American films, but he’s like an Italian actor and stuff. Anyway. Ah, no it must be ‘guh’ because it’s Ghibellines which has got a G-H. It must be Della Gherarde…

A: It must be the more inconvenient one to say.

C: Yeah. Della Ghera- Della Gherardesca. Okay.

C: And his name is Count Ugolino Della Ghellardesca- fuck.

[Alix laughs]

A: We’ve covered before that wooden ships can go boom.

C: Yes. Does the Dumaru becomethe Boom-aru? … We already made that joke with the Rooseboom, never mind.

A: But it’s better here.

[Alix laughs]

A: Why do they keep making ships that rhyme with boom?

[Carmella laughs]

A: Okay.

A: I have all of these names written phonetically.

[Carmella laughs]

C: There’s food in the room!

[Alix laughs]

A: How dare you point at our intern?!

C: I meant that I’ve got skittles, but anyway.

A: Heeheehee.

A [American accent]: Lef-tenant? [Accent drops] How do I say it with an American accent?

C: Lieu-

A [accent]: Lieutenant.

C: Is it lieutenant?

A: I get so confused.

C: Lieutenant for Americans, lef-tenant-

A [accent]: Lieutenant.

C: The Americans say it how it looks, we put an F in that does not exist.

[Alix laughs]

C: More camels collapse and have to be abandoned and all the men are suffering from severe hydration, we’re talking cracked-

A: Dehydration?

C: Yes?

A: Hydration.

C: Did I say dehydration?

A: I heard hydration.

A: Is it in the tens, is it in the hundreds? Is it somewhere inbetween? Is it just four bros being bros hanging out in the Arctic?

C [high pitched]: I don’t have the number!

A: Are there less-

C: Like, twentyyyy something?

A: So there’s probably less than, oh god this is gonna be so much fun to put together.

C: Some of them are people they pick up like, pick up in Canada.

A: Hitchhikers.

C: Yeah.

A: Shall we just look it up?

C: We could, shall we do that?

A: We’re professionals!

C: Anyway.

A: Back to the Dumaru.

C: Dumaru.

A: Dumaru. DOOM-

C: The DOOM-aru.

C: That’s good to know, that puts a lot of things into sensible context.

A: To put it back into an unsensible context, just briefly going off script, I’m quite sure that Titanic is RMS Ten-tanic Titanic, RMS Titanic which is a Royal Mail[er] Steamer, just to you know [C: Ohhh] throw the post out there.

C: Huh. Royal Mail.

[Carmella laughs]

C: Thank you.

A: You’re welcome.

[Laughs]

C: Interesting. It may come up one day.

A: I’m not doing much for that, for when you told Ashley that ‘Alix doesn’t know every single boat in the world’.

[Carmella laughs]

C: However, towards the end of November thousands of Frankish wurriors [that’s the Crusaders] come and surround the city.

A: Frankish?

C: Warriors.

A: Yeah, you said wurriors.

C: They are wurriors.

A: Wurriors, with an ‘ou’ not an ‘a’

C: Warriors.

A: Warriors.

C: I say it the same way. Okay.

A: I wasn’t sure what the word was.

C: Okay. However, towards the end of November thousands of Frankish knights.

[Alix laughs]

C: I don’t wanna say a balanced meal but…

A: Yeah.

A: It has very overdramatic-

[Jingle]

A: I heard that jingle Darcy.

C: I think she might need to be banished to the floor –

A [talking to animals voice]: Might need to go down.

C: ‘Cause there’s a lot of panting and licking and jingling going on.

A: You go on the floor bubba?

C: I’m sorry Darcy, I’m sorry.

A: There we go.

C: Ohhoh.

A: The betrayal.

C: Break my heart!

A: Sit down, you’ll jingle less.

C: Just to reiterate, our intern is a dog.

[Both laugh]

A [talking to animals voice]: Who’s a good little intern? [Normal] We’re gonna be, HR can you stop patronising your intern?

[Carmella laughs]

A: These ships are ship- these ships are shipping.

[Carmella laughs]

A: Nice sentence Alix.

A: See you in 2021!

C: … This will be in 2021.

A: Now, the Elizabeth Rashleigh is commonly remembered… um [trills]

C: Who is she?

A: She’s commonly remembered- what?

C: “And, thinking that I did it from desire / Of eating, on a sudden they uprose, / And said they”-

[Alix snorts]

A: Sorry, Darcy keeps yawning.

C: I know. Can you hear her yawning?

A: Okay, I’m gonna take her away, I’m gonna take her away.

C: I’ll get through this quote eventually.

A: Darcy you had your chance.

A: We have a number of… tractors outside.

[Carmella laughs]

C [posh voice]: “-from fasting, and our garments stiffened by the frost” [accent drops] Is that a good voice?

A: That is a good Franklin voice.

C: Good.

A: By the Bathwick Sint Ma- the Bathwick Since Meh- the Bathwick St Mary Charchyard’s-

[Carmella laughs]

A: Kill me.

A: Do you wanna know about crop yields? That is even a bit boring, even for me.

C [resigned]: You can tell me about it if you want I’m, I’ll listen to anything you say.

[Alix laughs]

A: It sounds like you’re here hostage.

C: As a supportive friend [Alix cackles] if you want to tell me about crop yields I’ll listen.

[Alix mumbles]

C: End of story.

A: End of story, mewh, the end.

A: They-

[Moving sounds]

C: Giving you some space.

A: I can’t help it, I’ve got very long legs.

C: Oh, rub it in

[Alix laughs]

C: That mine are so short

A: Get more meat on mine.

[Carmella laughs]

A: Demon-ical, that’s not how you say, demonical?

C: Dem- yeah?

[Saying demonical over each other]

A: Which had become, demonical and maen- which had become demonical… that doesn’t seem right! Had become…

C: I don’t think it’s a real word.

A: S’qu, it’s a direct quote.

C: Yeah but…

A: Oh, good point.

[Carmella laughs]

C: Boomerang boat.

[Alix emits one laugh]

C: Wasn’t that funny, I was trying for something there but thank you for pretending to laugh.

[Alix cackles]

C: It wasn’t very convincing, but you tried.

A: I’ve, I’ve reached the moment.

A: And the family returned home, not knowing what had happened to their four loved ones.

C: Four? They loved Norm as well? Oh, his family were out-

A: Yeah, his family loved him!

C: It’s because you said family-

A: Yeah.

C: Just one family, and I was like well they really love their driving instructor.

[Alix cackles]

C: A sealing shooner, schooner?

A: It’ll be a schooner. Yeah, schooner.

[Alix does a weird hiccup laugh]

A: I’ve forgotten how to laugh properly.

[Carmella laughs]

A: The men manage to catch a pidge- the men manag- bleeeeh.

A: So we haven’t got into the height of moral Victorian era panic yet – I’m gonna rephrase that. So I suppose we haven’t really yet -eeugh!

[Creaks]

A: Eventually, oh. Eventually after seving. Seving.

A: Packer insisthes, insisths. Packer insisitits. Fucking hell.

C: Under Captain Basile Yaysant – Geat? Giasson? Must be Giasson sorry. Did I get schooner right?

A: Yeah you got schooner right.

C: Okay.

A: And Edward Charlez, Charlzzzz.

C: With a ‘zee’ ‘zed’, with a zed.

A: Do you, do you want to say ‘But Alix, how come none of the crew on the boats notice their Captain’, you don’t have to quote it directly.

C: [Carmella under her breath reading a line from Alix’s script] “But Alix, how come none of the crew on the Janet or the other boats notice-” That’s a good question.

A: It’s just not cricket, because it’s a tennis court.

[Alix laughs]

C: Cricket? Why are we talking about crickets?!

A: Oh, I’m making a funny joke [mumbles] I’ll cut-

C: Is that a saying? It’s just not cricket?

A: Yeah, it’s just not cricket.

C: I haven’t heard of that one.

A: You’re from the countryside!

C: Yeahh’we’do, in the countryside you think we talk? S’like-

[Alix laughs]

C [Hot Fuzz English countryside accent]: There’s some cows over there, I’m in my trac’or, where’s the pub?

[Carmella laughs]

A: You think they have to ask where the pub is?

C: We don’t talk about cricket!

C: Op, sorry, my belly.

A: Feeling hungry?

[Carmella laughs]

C: You know it’s all this talk of meat.

[Alix snorts, Carmella laughs]

A: It’s like, like roughly the size of a tennis court, or like three quarter the size of a pool, so we’re going with tennis court.

C: No sporting metaphors for me please, I know none of them.

[Laughs]

A: … It’s a size.

C: Cool.

A: Rather than our fun stories which are caused by hubris or repression … nope. Unlike our fun-

C: Repression?!

[Carmella cackles]

A: Yeah. God knows what that was.

C: Well!

[Carmella laughs.]

A: But [trills] stop breathing so heavily! [Clicks fingers]

C: I’m sorry!

A: No, I was talking to me.

[Carmella laughs]

A: I was doing that [takes massive gasp] I was like, you’re not swimming it’s okay.

A: But Nautilus- there’s egg on her face for not winning that race- how embarrassing.

[Carmella laughs]

A: So he’s really making me feel like I’ve not achieved enough by my late thirties-

C: He’s a captain.

A: He’s a captain, I’m not a captain.

C: You’re not in your late thirties though.

A: He’s twenty six!

C: But you’re not in your late thirties!

A: Oh I thought I said late twenties.

C: No you said late thirties, I was like, jeez, you’ve been lying to me about your age.

A: I- I wrote late twenties.

[Carmella laughs]

C: Can you hear any more interference than normal?

A: No?

C: This guy’s-

A: But now I think that I do.

C: -pointing right at me though. Was he doing that the whole time?

[Adjusting microphone noises.]

A: Yeah. Oh [realisation] Oh that’ll be why I was so quiet.

C: Oh dear.

[Alix cackles]

C: Oops.

A: That’ll by why.

C: Oh well we’ve recorded it now.

[Both laugh]

C [high pitched]: That’s fine. Oh god.

A: Have fun with sound editing.

C: Hmm.

A: Fuck off birds.

A: That’s so much clearer now the microphone’s pointing forward.

[Carmella laughs]

C: Who knew?

A: Who knew. Oh well.

A: Said it right.

C: I think that’s how you say it. I don’t know how to say it.

A: It’s how I’m saying it. In the Dardanelles [said wrong].

C: I’m just, just, just thinking. Have we got any ancient Greek cannibalism? I bet they did loads. Season three.

A: Season three.

C: Anyway continue please…

A: In fact in July of 15- 1505?

C: Wow!

A: She’s- she might be a baby but she can time travel.

[Carmella laughs]

C: When they move their forces southwards and move into the Pacific including New Guinea [long pause] because that’s where our stories taking us, not cause it’s the only place I can name in the Pacific.

[Alix laughs]

C: Can I phrase? Let’s try that again…

A: Allegedly Park refused to b- Park? Who the fuck is Park?

C: I dunno!

Simultaneous: Who is Park?

A: But no, it’s the voyagers fault-

[Cut off by barking]

C [high pitched]: Puppy?

[Laughs]

[Barks]

A: Darcy, we’re recording [barks] you’re not helping.

[Pause, and then bark.]

C: Ali and his fellow peer, it’s because I’ve got POW’s written down instead of writing up the whole thing.

A: You can say POW, you can say pr- all you need to do is say prisoners of war once and then you can use POWs.

C: POWs has more syllables.

A: Yeah. But we’re not rationing syllables, it’s okay.

C: But it’s about what’s easy and what’s easy is the fewest syllables, right? Erm.

A: Clearly not.

[Alix coughs]

C: That’s a nice start to the recording.

A: Sorry.

C: Start as you mean to go on.

A: Dying of consumption.

[Carmella laughs]

A: We can’t make any consumption jokes this time cause of the ‘rona.

C: Yeah, I think we’ve already made some consumption jokes.

A: In this season?

C: Probably!

A: Ah yeah, okay.

[Carmella laughs]

C: I know us.

[Alix snorts]

A: What’d you mean, we’re very tasteful.

C: Where Colorado? Is it like south, north? Midwest?

A: Bugger- Rocky Mountains, middle!

C: How much of that was usable?

C: Anyway, it’s not important. Well it’s important to them I’m sure but I don’t care.

[Carmella laughs]

A: The eternal question is-

[Carmella sighs]

A: Who let the dogs out?

C: Who?

Unison: Who? Who? Who?

[Carmella laughs]

C: And I mean presumably you have fewer moral qualms about eating that than eating your father?

A: … I don’t think they have any moral qualms against eating pond weed.

[Carmella laughs]

C: That’s, if, yeah.

[Alix cackles]

C: Sure, that was a stupid thing, that I said.

A: There’s an indeterminate number of people on this expedition-

C: Twenty two, there’s twenty two.

A: Twenty two.

C: At this point, except there’s Frank- there’s a point when Franklin’s like [Franklin voice] “there were fifteen of us” [normal] but then I count the names and there’s sixteen so maybe he just doesn’t count himself? I don’t know.

A: He’s above the common folk.

C: Okay?

A: So it’s more of added extra flavour because- no.

C: Pun intended?

A: That’s terrible I’m not going to do that.

A: General Adams has collected Parker for questioning and subsequent trial.

C: You said Parker.

A: For fucks sake.

A: And in fact Packer didn’t consume – if I! Oh I did say Packer not Parker. Bollocks. Erm.

A: Parker’s … that’s not his name.

C: Look out’s sight a- motherfucker.

A: They sight a motherfucker?!

C: A prom-promle? Promon? Promontory.

A: What?

C: A Promontory, a promontery.

A: Promontory.

C: Promontery is that how you say it?

A: That’s a bit of land?

C: They sight land.

A: I assume that’s what it is.

C: It is, it’s like a pretush-

A: Pretush

C: Protrusion! I can say protrusion. Yeah, I can say protrusion.

A: Yeah you can!

C: I can.

C [high pitched]: They send out pinnaces – that was very high.

[Alix laughs]

A [as if on helium]: they send out pinnaces.

A: I know the nature of the stories that we stut- stories we study? We study!

C: We study!

C: It’s named after their King who is Charles IV, no, that’s not a four, [Alix high pitched chuckle] that’s a nine! Charles IX.

A: If it was Charles IV though it would be even better because it would be [bad French accent] Charles-four Charles-fort Charles-fourth.

C: He returns to his native Dieppe. Is that how you pronounce that place, do you know that, it looks like Dieppe?

A: We’ll go with Dieppe.

C: Captain Albert de la Pierra – Pierria? It feels like there shouldn’t be another I there, but there is.

A: Yep. [singsong] Pierria.

C: So this is my best attempt to understand the syllables that are written on the page.

A: In Poland many ate the flesh from cadavers suspending on giblets- that’s not right- on gibbets.

C: That’s better!

[Laughs]

A: I thought I could hear a dog?

C: No I can hear it too.

A: Okay.

C: So they have to bail continuously to stay afroat.

[Alix snorts]

C: To stay afloat.

C [French accent]: “We are three days away from France” [laughs then drops accent] and-

A: In French.

C: Nous sommes à trois journay- I don’t know how to say away from, anyway.

[Alix laughs]

A: This is, that is the woman who wrote the article-

C: How dare you make assumptions, the person who wrote the article was a man! Twas a man with a crush on Ribaut, Sherwood Harris!

A: I’d never heard the word Sherwood as a name before, only a forest.

C: You said she, huh.

A: Yeah cause I th-

C: Assuming! Assuming heterosexuality!

A: Manifest desitin- [trills]

A: Oh wait this is ‘sea’ isn’t it?

C: This is ‘sea’ I know it’s deceptive because it’s mostly on land but the cannibalism happens at sea, so.

C: In 1095 Pope -nah

A: Good start.

C: Fuck.

[Alix laughs]

C: I didn’t look it up. It’s not Urban?

A: I don’t think he was called Pope Fuck.

C: I’ll call him Urban then, it just sound stupid, but I’ll go for it.

A: Catholic Church, all bloody stupid innit?

C: … Very very true.

[Laughs]

A: We’ll cut that.

C: Sorry Nonna – she doesn’t know how to use the internet anyway.

[Laughs]

C: As they push on they continue to face too little water and too little past-ure for the camels. The camels begin to waste away-

A: Pasture?

C: Is that how you say it?

A: Yeah.

[Both laugh]

A: I was like, pasta?

C: Past-ure.

[Alix laughs]

A: These 200 camels chomping down on a carbonara.

[Carmella laughs]

A: And salf- salf? What the fuck is salf?

C: Of course, in some ways this backfired because because of the lack of public information of the causes of this cannibalism.

A: You did a double because because.

C: Did I?

A: Yeah.

C: Trying to find grains of wheat, barley, beans or any vegetable.

[A faint sneeze from outside the room, Alix laughs]

A: Might need to do that again, because I heard that from downstairs.

[Carmella laughs]

C: I can do that again. A very loud sneeze. Bless you.

A: Mum likes sneezing.

C: In the ensuring famine one could see more than 10,000 men scattered like cattle in the field, scratching-

[Sneeze from downstairs, both laugh.]

A [shouting]: Bless you!

[Inaudible response]

[Both laugh]

C: In the ensuing famine- is that another sneeze?

[Inaudible]

A [shouting]: It’s okay!

A: See now I’m not sure- I’m sure it’s ergotism-

C: No I think that sounds familiar.

A: But I’m gonna have to check.

C: I was listening to a podcast episode on it recently.

A: Oh, okay if there’s a podcast about it it’s gotta be right.

C: Actually it was the Magnus Archives so it was like a fiction podcast but they did mention it and feel like they must have done their research.

A: I feel like it’s ergotism.

C: Hey look-

A: Ergotism theory! Yeah okay.

C: People won’t fact check this-

[Alix cackles and radio static]

A: They trust us.

C: – They’ll just repeat the facts that we tell them as if they’re truth.

[Alix cackles]

A: Portable soup!

[Carmella cackles]

A: Ah, bloody love portable soup.

A: Stop tweeting!

C: But please do tweet about us!

[Laughs]

A: Well, I suppose he is tweeting about us isn’t he?

C: I guess we could say that this podcast is actually sound designed and this is to put you in the mindset of being out in the wilderness.

A: We could say that we’re recording outside [while laughing] therefore we’re covid compliant.

C: Yeah.

C: Well, time for a plane.

[Tea drinking noise]

A: I do love it when the blow up walls from underneath, it’s just so fucken metal.

C: I think waiting for the birds to stop isn’t gonna work is it?

[Loud tweeting bird]

[Alix snorts]

Alix: Thanks for that sir.

C: Cool, lets just plough ahead.

A: I mean the plane is gone, so that’s something?

C: Hmhmm.

A: It’s taken us two hours to set up the recording equipment.

[Carmella laughs, jingle noises]

A: Not today, just, in the past. Darcy that’s not a good audio experience, stop it.

C: Because they haven’t been given their fair share of things erm here to fore? Is that?

A: I mean I think it’s a word?

[Carmella laughs.]

C: I’m gonna go with it! Because they haven’t been given their fair share of plunder heretofore.

[Alix laughs]

C: No.

A: The real treasure were the dates we had along the way- FIGS!

C: That makes you sound like they’re going on like a speed dating thing.

[Alix cackles]

A: The real treasure were the figs they had along the way.

A: -in the eighties, nope! In the nineteen-fucksake. None of those numbers were right.

A: It was difficult! Did you know it wasn’t until 1945 that women got to sit on juries in Colorado?

[Carmella sighs]

C: Huh!

A: I think there was, I’ll cut this bit, I think there was an American state where they didn’t sit on juries until the 70s.

C: Yeah, you know I can really believe that.

A: Yeah, okay.

A: We know how much historian- we know how much historians love to say that people ‘didn’t do a cannibalism’ especially Europeans-

C: It was a metaphor.

A: It was a metaphor for the fact that they were very hungry and ate people.

[Carmella laughs]

C: Did I just say ecom, I think I said ecomomy?

A: Ecomomy.

A: It’s in the bibliography for this episode. But-

[Laughs]

C: Future Carmella-

A: Future Carmella.

C:- Take notes.

[Carmella laughs]

A: Fucken Victorians.

[Laughs]

C: They knew what they were doing!

[Alix laughs]

A: As, while the- while the loss [trills] while the unprecedented [trills] blah, fucks sake!

A: No, that’s the end of that. Blah blah blah-

C: Full stop!

A: Full stop.

C: It’ll just be a shorter episode.

[Alix snorts]

C: I can riff more you like? I just don’t wanna be too disrespectful. Hahahaha.

[Laughs]

A: Which again implies that- I’m very hungover.

A: Oh, Happy Birthday Owen Chase, by the way we’re recording on his birthday.

C: Put it on the instastory today.

A: Hashtag, not team Chase but you know, happy birthday and sorry about well, everything really.

C: All the defamation.

A: We didn’t defame him! [He defamed himself by not telling the truth.]

[Carmella laughs]

C: They shouldn’t be flying, it’s illegal.

A: It is illegal. You know what’s also illegal?

[Carmella starts laughing]

A: Cannibalism.

C: Oh I thought you were gonna say recording together in a room.

[Both laugh]

C: Not on a high horse today folks!

A: [Laughing] No you’re on a very low horse because they’re only twelve hands tall.

[Both cackling]

C: That’s me, that’s me editing what Franklin’s actually written.

[Laughs]

A: Was Franklin a bit racist?

C: Yeah.

A: Thank you for kisses.

[Slobbery noises]

A: That’s-

C: That good audio?

A: No. What do you think Darcy, do you think cannibalism was a one off?

C: Or do you think it happened a lot?

A: You think it happened a lot.

[Slobbery noises.]

C: I know my answer.

[Jingling]

A: You’ve got to stop. They stole your ovaries!

C: Evil.

A: Evil.

[Jingling]

A: And one of your teeth. She’s got double canines, and they were like “she’s got double canines”.

C: She’s missing a nipple and she’s got too many teeth!

A: Witch!

[Carmella laughs]

C: What’s wrong with you?!

C: I haven’t written an ending to this episode so that’s a far as I’ve gotten.

[Alix snorts]

C: Erm. I only realised now. Erm, so.

[Carmella sighs.]

A [talking to animals/babies voice]: Who’s so beautiful? You’re so beautiful. Yes you are! [Smooches noise] Yes you are! The number of socks that I have sacrificed for this podcast so that the dog will be quiet.

[Carmella laughs]

A: Someone’s not got airplane mode on [static crackles] and it’s me.

C: Hmhmm

A: So I’m calling myself out.

C: I can hear, they’re talking!

A: How dare they?! It’s the angle grinding neighbours, this time with annoying children.

C: So annoying that they want to spend time with their grandchildren.

[Continuous thumping noise]

A: How hollow Darcy is is coming up-

[Carmella laughs]

A: Listen to this, look-

C: I can see the drum patterns.

[Drumming noise continues]

A: That’s a hollow puppy tummy!

C: We see two men frozen together in a hole, [starting to laugh] five feet apart cause they’re-

[Alix cackles, Carmella laughs]

[Puppy sneeze]

A: Bless you.

C: Have a snooze.

A: Yeah, lie down, have a sleep.

[Puppy sneeze, both laugh]

A: Lil puppy sneezes on the recording!

C: Aww,awaw.

A [child voice]: You little baby!

C: Ugolino tells us that because of Ruggieri, my phone screen went black. Ugolino-

A: That’s weird!

C: I know, it’s anachronistic, I’m not really sure what Dante means.

[Alix laughs]

C: And the one who’s learning to drive-

A: Fly.

[Both laugh]

C: Ugolino says that – erm what’s an Ugolino, I’m not going to do an Italian accent.

A: Heehee.

C: I feel like I’m allowed, it’s not offensive if I do it. [A: No] But it’s not going to be good.

A: I mean-

C: Also, it’s not very sensitive a sentence to do it on. Ugolino says- [breaks off laughing]

[Both giggle]

C: Ugolino says, “Moaning amid their sleep”-

[Alix snorts]

A: Can we cannibalise them?

[Carmella laughs]

C: It wouldn’t be a survival situation, just rage.

C [in a strange voice]: I’m sure il’l be fine. That’s what the editing’s for right?

A: That’s what the Donner Party said.

[Carmella laughs, pained]

A: I mean you don’t sur- well, no I was about to say that you don’t survive grief. That’s very depressing!

[Carmella laughs]

A: Grief doesn’t have anything to do with your will to survi- nope, also depressing. I know what I mean to say.

C: Yep.

A: Well I suppose the screams in the background are quite appropriate for the circles of hell?

[Carmella chuckles]

A: Oh this is not pleasant.

[Liquid sloshing in can sound]

A: No, the taste!

C: Oh I thou – what flavour was that one the pomegranate blueberry?

A: Yeah.

C: Hmmm.

A: I do not believe that this does not have an artificial sweetener in it. That is the fakest shit I’ve ever tried.

C: What a shame that because of coronavirus I can’t try it.

[Alix snorts]

C: Oh dear, guess I will never know.

[Lid opening a carbonated drink sound]

A: We are going to head back I- are-this I’m adlibbing and I don’t like it. Can’t do it.

[Carmella laughs]

A: I suppose that might be part of the punishment if you had- yeah okay. I was like that’s just what he did he was the [Count Von Count voice] Cannibal-a Count-a!

[Carmella laughs]

A: Now think about a traditional English summer, if you are our English audience you will know that it’s not particularly sunny and warm

C: I mean, this one was quite warm?

C: I mean it also invokes the sacrament, the boys liken themselves to bread. Do you see me trying to pad out this episode?

[Both laugh]

A: Well I suppose it’s a betrayal if you’re a-

C: If you own the castles-

A: Digagiblista.

[Both laugh]

C: Della Gherardesca.

[Alix snorts]

C: As you can imagine, this didn’t make for a happy population.

A: Especially not the… Debeflubuaginos.

A: They tend to get banished from the city.

C: Yeah they do don’t they, weird that?! I say that because I can’t find my place.

[Laughs]

C: When tested the bones do seem to match modern day Della Ghera- [Carmella laughs] modern day Gherardesca DNA within ninety per cen- fucken hell- with ninety eight percent certainty.

A: I have to say I’m very impressed by how old Ugolino got to be. … Have I said that wrong again?

C: Close enough.

[Carmella laughs]

A: Bread… pottage… ale… etcetera.

C: The three things you can think of made of grain!

[Carmella laughs]

A: Yeah. I might say that without the big gaps.

A: I’m actually getting emotional again!

A: And the plane’s argh – and the plane’s- fuck. And that’s why she’s in the air, she’s flying from erm – fuck. I didn’t write this one down.

C: Doesn’t he have multiple children?

A: He does now.

C: Did he only have one child at the time?

A: I think he only had one son. I don’t, I’m gonna cut this because I don’t know.

C: Earlier you said children.

A: He did have children.

C: Okay, I just won’t ask that question.

A: I think one of them was little? I think one of them was too little.

C: And therefore not deserving of money.

A: Not deserving of teeth.

C: Like a baby, okay, I see.

[Alix snorts]

[Dog barking]

[Laughter]

C: There were multiple occasion on which sir john franklin led a doomed expedition that ended in survival cannibalism.

[Both laugh]

C: So-

A: We’ve not recorded one of these in so long.

A: The name Back rings a bell when it comes to the Arctic I feel he has something named after him?

C: Yes.

A: Are we going to get to that?

C: No.

[Alix laughs]

A: Okay.

C: He would later go on to lead another overland exhibition-pah.

A: I love this sentence from Wikipedia, “Back the fittest remaining officer.”

[Both giggle]

A: Okay, okay, I’ll stop [C: I’m sorry Alix] asking for facts.

[Carmella laughs]

C: There won’t be any facts in this podcast.

A: How dare you, have you not seen out bibliography?

C: Yeah.

A: I am, paying attention to the guns.

[Both laugh]

A: The gun show.

C [laughing]: Yes.

A: That’s Back and Hood getting ready for the gun show.

A: Yeah very- [trills]

C: Imaginative?

A: That was the word I was looking for!

[Carmella chuckles]

A: Imamingative… Imagimative… [exasperated snort]

C: Take it away Alix!

[Both laughing]

C: I don’t think they had the technology for cuppa soup in those days.

[Alix cackles]

C: Imagine if they did it would make the whole expedition thing a lot easier.

A: What they needed was some Sneak energy drink [laughs] we’re not sponsored.

C: Would you like a Kasper mattress? What- errr.

A: Blue Apron.

C: Anyway, to continue with the story. Where were we?

A: Er, the French are to blame for everything bad that’s ever happened to Franklin.

A: Well they’re only 25 and 17.

C: Wait, how old? I’m 25!

[Alix laughs]

C: I think?

A: Every time we record Carmella doesn’t know how sh- how old she is.

[Both laugh]

C: Am I 25? Yeah!

A: I’m 27.

C: I’m 25, I thought you were only a year older than me?

A: I’m 27 but your birthday is-

C: December.

A: – in December.

A: I just want to do the McDonalds meme, being like, you know ‘Food! Food! Food! Food!’ and it’s like, ‘nope kids, we’ve got food at home’ and the food at home is the camp and the food at home is your fellow travellers.

C: Anyway… very good Alix.

[Alix laughs]

C: Hahaha.

A: I was quite proud of that one, not gonna lie.

[Carmella laughs]

C: And when they behold his naked bodies. Their-

[Alix laughs]

A: How many bodies does he have!

A: The end of Act One.

[Carmella laughs]

C: God you don’t even know.

[Alix laughs]

A: Carmella is miming using an axe.

C: In case you didn’t know what a hatchet was.

[Alix snorts.]

A: Who are the possible… dinners?

A: Er, oh I can never say, I always say post-humorous.

C: Posthumous!

A: A posthumous promotion.

[Carmella laughs]

C: It’s all we can expect these days.

A: CE – trying not to use BC and AD… bloody hell.

[Carmella laughs]

C: I’m impressed, you’re doing well.

A: In 146 CE, where cammander – cammander? Where commander Zang Hong had his…

A: With it being attributed fala[trills]

A: In 146 CE, fuck.

A: In 100 CE, nope!

A: Takes place in f… fuck.

[Start of Carmella laughing]

C [in a ‘professor’ voice]: I don’t know, I don’t personally use hair curling or straightening products however I know that my sister can be quite attached to hers. … Let’s cut all of that.

[Alix laughs.]

A: The gruel is apparently disgusting.

C: Y’don’t say?

A: Cold, w-

[Barking]

A: Rude, rude Darcy.

A: The famgine continue but by around [nasal] 1318. [Intentionally nasal] 18.

C: All right Punch and Judy?

[Laughs]

A [Punch and Judy voice]: It’s behind you.

C: I really hate Punch and Judy.

[Alix laughs]

C: I used to be terrified of Punch.

A: So soundly in fact that they’re woken up, by Brent’s legs.

[Pause]

[Both laugh]

C: Okay, wow. We’re getting a bit avant-garde now in this story.

A: – If we die we die, basically. We’re recording aren’t we?

C: Yup.

[Alix snorts, Carmella laughs]

C: I mean I was trying to get some room noise, but sure sure. … Would you like to finish your cup of tea?

A [small voice]: yes.

[Drinking noise]

A: Core, that was lukewarm.

A: I think I’m going to have to eat something or that’s going to keep going.

C: I’ll pause the recording.

[Crinkling, Alix laughing.]

A: That’s a theme of this season, this sneson – that’s a theme of this season, this sneson-

[Carmella laughs]

C: I don’t know-

[Technology being moved noises]

A: We’re technicians.

[Snorts]

A: We’re not one of those high flying podcassts – for fucksake- that can afford to annunciate their tees.

[Carmella giggles.]

A: That have like technicians and s- it’s just us.

C: Unless this has been accidentally turned down while it was in the box all the settings are exactly the same as last time so…

C: For context this is less than a decade after the completion of the Sways Canal- wait, how do you say that?

A: Suez.

C: Suez. Thank you.

[Alix laughs]

C: I, as I was saying it I was like ‘this is not right’

[Alix continues laughing]

A: Okay.

C: For context this is less than a decade after the completion of the Suez Canal-

[Alix snorts]

C: Fuck, what is it?

A: Sorry, no you’re right I’m just remembering you saying it wrong.

[Alix cackles]

A: Sorry, I’m a professional, I’m a professional.

C: For context-

[Alix giggles]

C [quietly]: Fuck off.

[Alix bursts out laughing]

A: Okay.

C: For context – oh.

[Alix laughs]

A: I have to edit this into something coherent!

C: The new-

A: Ooh!

[Alix snorts]

C: Sorry?

A: No, it’s not actually-

C: It’s not important?

A: It’s not important at all, I was just like ‘ooh I talk a little bit about the Ottomans and then you’re gonna talk more about the Ottomans because the Crusades’.

C: Yeah, so, that’s true. The Ottomans will come up one day.

C: Lovely.

A: They arrive 24 hours later, which I’m quite impressed by, that’s quite a quick turnaround.

C: That’s a good response time, that’s about as good as you know, phoning the police in London.

[Laughs]

C [French accent]: “Armed column coming to settle accounts!”

A: Sorry? Settle a what?

C: Accounts.

A: Oh, accounts. It was the- accent.

C: French.

A: It was the French.

[Laughs]

A: This is gonna date this so much but I’m getting 16 year old boy on Among Us vibes here.

C: As they push on-

[Barking]

[Both laugh]

A: Thanks… Darce.

[Barking]

A: Don’t kiss me and think you’ll get away with it.

[Carmella chuckles]

A [talking to animals voice]: Good girl!

A [normal]: I am talking to the dog.

[Carmella bursts out laughing]

C: You don’t wanna know what goes on behind the scenes here!

[Alix bursts out laughing]

A: Okay, okay.

[Carmella laughs so hard she squeaks]

A: Lie down!

A: They’re replaced by Captain … Bollocks that’s not his name-

C: Captain Bollocks?!

A: Captain Bollocks.

C: I was ready to believe that for a second.

[Alix laughs]

A: Um, Bu- Borrensen?

C: And my guess as the explanation is that the ambushed men whilst erm um-

A: Becoming dead?

[Carmella laughs]

C: Yeah, while being pretty decimated-

[Alix snorts, both laugh]

C: -did mange to get a few licks in and did kill a few Kel Ahaggar warriors so-

A: Sorry can you try that without me giggling?

[Carmella laughs]

[Drinking noises]

A: I’m anticipating Lockdown 2.0 I’ve got to give myself something to do editing this nonsense into something coherent.

[Carmella laughs]

A: I’m getting strong Thomas Jefferson/Aaron Burr in the final act of, I’m get [clears throat] I’ll try that like I’ve ever in life said a sentence.

[Carmella laughs]

A: That the only of-[trills]

A: I’ve not put any grammar in that sentence!

[Carmella laughs]

A: Sorry you stopped making a fuss of her?

C: Sorry, I’m sorry I got excited about cannibalism.

[Alix giggles]

C: He got picked off an eaten, but if you’re in a group, right?!

A: Again, this is just how you play Among Us.

[Carmella chuckles]

A: I’m gonna have to cut all these Among Us references or this is going to be so heavily dated to the end of 2019. [… She meant 2020.]

[Carmella laughs]

C: Like, the last guy have given in and eaten body. No!

[Alix laughs]

A: Part of that rapid paddling, rapid. Part of that rabid-

[Carmella laughs]

C: I’ll never be fully rabid!

[Alix chuckles]

A: Oh dear.

C:… Sorry, I nodded that was useful. [Very emphasised] Yes!

C: … We’ve been doing this for too long.

A [laughing]: Yeah.

A: I can only remember the number of camels-

C: 280 camels. That was from memory.

[Both laughing]

C: Erm. Plus seven, [quietly] fuck.

[Alix laughs]

C: 61, where my calculator? Have you got a calculator?

[Shuffling]

A: Yeah.

C: Or the ability to do maths? Either one.

A: No, I do not, I do not have the ability to do maths.

A: Unexpected avalanches, men being stricken by snow [pained] blindness, snow blindness… the inability to read.

C: The weird case in Colorado.

A: I know.

C: S’in the water.

[Alix snorts]

A: Fucking word.

C: Isn’t is meteoro-

[Alix gives a pained shout]

A: I don’t know.

C: You know what, I don’t know how to say it either, let’s go which what you said.

A: Metroilogical. No there is a, you’re right-

C: Meteorological.

[Bouncing back between various pronunciations of meteorological]

C: That’s too many syllables.

A: But there is an ‘O’ there.

C: Meteorological.

A: Meteoro-o-logical

C [slightly French]: Meteorological.

A: Oh.

C: It’s météor in French? Is that useful?

[Laughs]

A: Oh of course it is in French.

[Both laugh]

A: Twenty-seventh attempt at pronouncing the word.

A: Say it in French, if it doubt, Carmella says things with a French accent. [French accent] Glaciér.

[Carmella laughs]

C: Even when they’re not French, yeah!

[Alix laughs]

A: In my head with that was like ‘ah they got back to the same camp’

C: Okay.

A: And then I was like wait now the voyagers really are just being arseholes if they’re standing in their own camp being like-

C [laughing and slightly French]: “I don’t believe this is za zame camp!”

[Alix cackles]

C: Yeah, okay.

C: Two of the tirailleurs there pass away naturally, of dehydration-

A: At the well?

C: At the well.

A: Guys!

C: Starvation! Starvation!

[Alix cackles]

C: Sorry that’s me, that’s Carmella!

[Alix still laughing]

C: Please don’t ask me any questions about the military background of World War Two ‘cause [laughs] I thought I knew what was going on but as it turns out it’s almost like all I was taught in school was like the European part of it?

A: Not the world part?

C: No.

A: You’ve got a shoutout in Casting Lots!

[Laughs]

C: Finally!

[Alix cackles]

C: Now for- blah blah blah.

[Alix snorts]

C: He was eaten.

[Alix laughs, loudly]

A: Sorry!

[Carmella laughs.]

A: That was so inappropriate.

A: Nice reference of the technical spesi- spesifi – nice reference to the technical specifications of cannibalism there.

C: Erm.

A: The thumbs up I just gave was really inappropriate.

C: Um, yeah.

[Carmella laughs]

C: Yeah cannibalism!

A: We were stumbling over wording.

[Carmella giggles]

C: And the arm, hearts, and-

A: Hearts?

[Carmella laughs]

A: Time Lord.

C: And the arms, ‘kay.

A: Using an empty har tac-kin – fuck! I was very tempted to make hard tack for today but-

[Carmella laughs]

A: I’m a dirty little stop out

[Carmella laughs]

A: Who didn’t get in until midnight instead.

[Alix laughs]

A: In a true stable of dying of thirst narratives- nope. In a true sta-ble of the-

C: A staple?

A: Stay-ple. Is it staple?

C: Isn’t it?

A: I’ve written stable but fuck knows.

C: It’s a staple.

A: Staple.

C: Like the store staples [A: Yeah] because that’s where you get your staple goods from.

A: Staple.

C: Staple.

A: Let’s just keep saying staple.

C: Staple.

A: We’re a staple podcast.

C: Staple.

[Carmella laughs]

C: Good, I’m glad that we have that disclaimer.

A: Getting it in halfway through, at least we’ve got a disclaimer in there.

[Giggles]

A: Killing people is bad.

C: Yup.

C: When he discovered what had happened he punished the three soldiers involved by assigning them dangers rec-con-aa-sance duties.

A: Reconnaissance?

C: Thank you. He punished three soldiers, he punished three soldiers involved assigning them [hesitates] dangerous reconnaissance duties.

A: Reconnaissance duties.

C: I’m trying to do it- It’s because I’m reading it as a French word.

A [attempted French accent]: Reconnaissant!

C: I’m just so fluent in French that I can’t read it.

A [attempted French continues]: Glaciér, Reconnaissé!

C: What’d you say in-

A: Pardon?

C: Reconnaissance duties?

A: Reconnaissance.

[Birds tweeting]

A: That’s a really loud-

Simultaneous: Birds

C: Yeah! I’ve been, they’ve been going on for a bit actually.

C: – men in total. I think ‘people’s’ fine.

A: I think people’s fine.

C: Men are people.

[Both laugh]

A: A radical statement from Casting Lots.

[Laughter]

C: We’re leaving that out but-

[Alix laughs]

C: That’s very insensitive but yeah… Erm.

A: You might have to do that sentence about Singapore again, I’m sorry. When you say the fall of Japanese occupied Singapore, isn’t that when Singapore falls to the Japanese?

C [in a strange voice]: That makes so much more sense – thank you.

[Alix laughs]

A: Because the fall of Japanese occupied Singapore…

C: Yeah. You’re right. Why have I got my calendar open? Shoo!

A: My Downton Abbey Scottish cannibalism book.

C: Hmm.

A: Now that’s a teaser.

A: An Canad- Canadia.

C: Canadia?

A: Canadia!

C: The first to be executed via beheading was [American accent] Marve Mershon. [Drops accent] Is that?

A: I’m not sure you should do the American accent.

C: The first…

C: Take the high horse then Alix!

A: [Laughing] Take the high road?

C: No the high horse is a thing, isn’t it?

A: I think you get on your high horse.

C: Oh. I’m very bad with sayings.

A: You don’t take it, that’s theft.

C: Okay.

[Alix laughs]

C: Take the high road then Alix!

[Alix giggles]

C: But despite the vast body of evidence, no charges were laid for these crimes in the A Class war crimes trials.

A: Vast body of evidence hey?

C: No pun intended.

C: The nineteenth century equivalent of HS2! But that’s a reference only British people will get and our geography’s all over the place, so I dunno?

A: And it’s probably going to go as badly as that as well. Do they have a [laughing] Tory government?

[Carmella laughing]

C: Their government is Napoleon!

[Alix laughs]

A: Now I have a lot of sympathy for him because I went lake swimming the other day and it was so cold that I [laughing] actually thought my breasts were going to fall off.

[Carmella laughs, Alix cackles]

A: I might cut that but it is true.

[Both laughing]

A: See I have a lot- [breaks off laughing] I was just like, fucken hell this isn’t right!

[Carmella laughing]

A: Okay I’ll rephrase that without talking about my own tits.

[Carmella laughs]

[Faint thumps]

A [laughing]: Darcy stop wagging the microphone.

C [laughing]: Be less happy!

A: Um can we move, move some of these wires?

C: We need to move her tail because it’s brushing against-

A: Yeah but it’s attached to her body.

[Carmella laughs]

A: Put your tail onto there! We’re recording with a dog in the studio. It is… problematic.

A: I just love that little dance, [Carmella laughs] I wish we could end on the little dance.

[Carmella laughs]

A: I can’t remember how we record.

C: It may or may not be the same ship. We record much like this but then we just cut everything out.

[Alix laughs.]

C [laughing]: Um, was any of that what we just said usable?

A: Yes, but I think we should [laughing] do it again.

C: ‘kay.

C [laughing]: I don’t know about the ethics of that!

[Background laughter]

A [laughing]: Okay, did I make enough interruptions for you?

C: I think you did. We’re at 57…

[Alix huffs.]

C: So a cheerful one from us here at Casting Lots, erm [laughing] how do we end this episode?

A: How do we end? Haha?

C: Um?

C: That-

[Carmella laughing]

C: Sorry [A: Yeah] Can I think of something useful to close this episode instead?

C: That’s [laughing] that’s the end of an episode sure, why not?

[Laughing]

A: That’ll do. Yeah that’ll do.

[Alix makes stretching noise.]

A: This is such a depressing ending.

[Outro Music – Daniel Wackett]

A: Casting Lots Podcast can be found on Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr as @CastingLotsPod, and on Facebook as Casting Lots Podcast.

C: If you enjoyed this episode and want to hear more, don’t forget to subscribe to us on iTunes, Google Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts, and please rate, review and share to bring more people to the table.

A: Casting Lots: A Survival Cannibalism Podcast, is researched, written and recorded by Alix and Carmella, with post-production and editing also by Carmella and Alix. Art and logo design by Riley – @Tallestfriend on Twitter and Instagram – with audio and music by Daniel Wackett – Daniel Wackett on SoundCloud and @ds_wack on Twitter. Casting Lots is part of the Morbid Audio Podcast Network – search #MorbidAudio on Twitter – and the network’s music is provided by Mikaela Moody – mikaelamoody1 on Bandcamp.

[Morbid Audio Sting – Mikaela Moody]