Are you an ASSertive Person?

Authentic Men's Group podcast

Why is Assertiveness important?

• If we don’t have it we won't know what we want and how to get it.
• We leave fate to write our story. Fate is a horrible author.

What is Assertiveness?

The best contribution to learning to be assertive is to be learning about myself. I can’t teach others how to respect me if I haven’t learned what there is to respect about myself.

• Passive: Respecting others and not self
• Aggressive: Respecting self and not others
• Assertive: Respecting Self & Others in how we communicate, behave, and think.
• Passive-Aggressive: Appearing passive as manipulation with aggressive intentions.

Passive individuals - Are inhibited, indirect communicators, fearful of offending, and prefer that others make the decisions. They are considered as ‘pushovers’ by others, and they seldom get their communication needs met. They often hold feelings in and these feelings lead to resentment. They are the shrinking violets of the relationship. They take a lose-win attitude to communication (Their internal dialogue is, “I lose and you win.”) Passive Inhibited individuals make others feel like there is disinterest and apathy in the relationship. Partners feel bewildered, ghosted, over responsible and isolated.

Aggressive individuals make others feel inferior, intimidated and unsure. Partners feel unsafe, unappreciated and even bullied. Are brutally honest, direct, and forceful.The major purpose for them is to be right. They will bulldoze and steamroll the conversation. They expect their opinion to be known first and often last. These individuals may even gaslight (take something that was said and make it the other person’s problem) Their internal dialogue is, “I win, you lose”. This causes them to put down others so they can make their point or win the discussion. They prefer to make decisions and do not want to be corrected, sometimes even if they are wrong. This causes them to put down others so they can make their point or win the discussion. They prefer to make decisions and do not want to be corrected, sometimes even if they are wrong. Aggressive individuals make others feel inferior, intimidated and unsure. Partners feel unsafe, unappreciated and even bullied.

Assertive - Are direct, authentic and honest communicators. They speak the truth even when it might be tough to do so. They address issues with empathy, compassion and love. They trust the process of speaking directly. They press in on issues that need to be addressed in appropriate places at appropriate times. They take a win-win attitude toward communications. Their internal dialogue is, “I win and you win”. They treat others with respect yet have confidence in their own ability to communicate and come to agreement. They work toward a healthy balance of submitting if warranted and being forceful when needed. They are willing to compromise and negotiate. Assertive individuals make others feel equal, affirmed and secure. Partners feel significant, unified and understood.

Misconceptions of assertiveness

• Assertiveness is not Aggressiveness
• Assertiveness is not a Jedi Mindtrick
• Assertiveness is not always the best response

Again, the opposite of unhealthy is still unhealthy. If a person is naturally more mild-mannered and introverted, to become an overbearing jerk is not the way to go just as it would be unnatural for an aggressive and forceful personality to all of the sudden become meek and timid. It may cause those who know him to think he has had a lobotomy.

The healthy middle ground is what we are talking about here; knowing when to submit and when to assert. For the naturally aggressive personality it might be good to balance the forcefulness with submission. A frequent question to ask would be, “Do I want to be right or do I want to have relationship?” For the naturally submissive and compliant personality it might be good to balance submission with forcefulness. A frequent question to ask would be, “What do I want and how am I making that known in this relationship?