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013: From Teen Parent to Parenting Counselor with Helen Hicks
Manage episode 331143067 series 3325031
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Kelly welcomes Helen Hicks to the podcast this week. A counselor with a Masters in Business, and a single mother of five, Helen knows a thing or two about multitasking. She first got pregnant at the age of 19 at the hands of an abusive boyfriend turned abusive parent, and then went on to finish school with a bachelor’s degree in psychology with the help of a free daycare. Despite how busy Helen was while both studying and parenting, her ex, who didn’t remain in contact with his children, wanted lower and lower child support rates and the ability to control where she could live. Her sons struggled without a father figure as they grew up - one of the reasons why she encouraged her children to start going to therapy. When they did, her children even started calling her out for using her “therapist voice” in the home.
After the dust settled, Helen started dating again, and she recalls the chaos of it all. When her children were still young, she implemented a new practice in the home where she could have private time for a short period during the day. Looking back, she feels like it made her a better parent, while also noting that she owes a lot of her success as a parent to her experience as a counselor. Helen and Kelly draw this episode to a close as they chat about Helen’s podcast What Would Helen Say, which showcases real life therapy sessions with clients of hers. They also discuss her upcoming book, The Parenting Treatment Plan, which has a similar aim: to help parents parent, instead of fighting for the right to parent in the first place - a shift that, as you will hear today, makes all the difference.
The Finer Details of This Episode:
- Getting pregnant at the age of 19
- The expensive side of childcare
- Hicks’ bachelor's degree in Psychology
- Her mother’s paranoia
- Leaving an abusive partner
- Her ex’s lack of contact
- Child support
- Her sons’ experiences lacking a father figure
- The chaos of dating as a single mom
- Her second divorce
- Her son’s decision to leave the nest
- Setting aside personal time for herself
- Parenting as a counselor
- What Would Helen Say?
- Fighting for the right to parent
Quotes:
“He was just like, ‘Let me know. Send me a picture’.”
“Many people never saw that side of her until much later in life.”
“I have been working with kids in nonprofits and things of that nature. And in working with kids, you have to work with parents, as well. And I encountered so many parents who were like, do you work with adults? Can I work with you.”
“I didn't find out until afterwards that other people had witnessed him mistreating my older boys, and nobody had said anything to me at all. They saw him. They told me after the fact.”
“I had to negotiate with them, because he had put into our divorce that I could not move without his permission. So I had to get in contact with him even though he had no contact for three years. I still had to negotiate with him. And part of that was to pretty much reduce his child support.”
“I know it's damaging for children to feel put in the middle of their parents… So I told them, you know, these are my feelings, because it's my experience. But you can have totally different feelings and totally different experiences. That's up to you. If you tell me you want to see him. Fine.”
“He had his perceptions of what parenting meant and what it looked like. And he tried to implement his view, despite me saying you don't work like that. But he wanted to pursue his idea of what should or shouldn't happen. That's ultimately what pushed the boys away, because he wasn't receptive to what they were saying.”
“They saw the tension between us and the arguments that would happen, and then they would get their backs up and just be like, ‘You can't, you know. That's my mom.’”
“It's been strange to walk past his room, and he's not in his room… He would be the one to always eat the leftovers in the fridge. And now to open the fridge, we have leftovers. So there's a lot of different transitions that have happened.”
“I was watching TV. I was reading a book. It didn't matter. It was my time, and they respected that it was my time. And part of how I presented it to them was: ‘Hey, guys, do you like nice mommy, or do you like mean mommy?’”
“If I can record a session and just have it out there, I know there's so much in the sessions that even if it's not specific to what a person is experiencing in that moment, there's still stuff in there that they can utilize.”
“They can learn how to parent rather than constantly trying to fight for the right to parent.”
Links:
What Would Helen Say on Youtube
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