Surrogacy Abroad and in the UK

Donor Conception and Surrogacy

This week we are discussing Surrogacy, both in the UK and abroad. Our first guest is Anna Buxton, mum of three children through two different surrogates. Anna talks us through her decision of how they reached surrogacy after a long and painful gynaecological history and was told Surrogacy was her only hope as she would never carry.

Not carrying your child and grieving for that loss

Anna voices the fear of so many people considering surrogacy,

They were able to create embryos yet still it was v.difficult. Feels like you are giving up on the hope of ever carrying a child, your husband seeing you pregnant, you feel lost.

Ripple effect… you think you are going to get pregnant, then you realise it's not going to happen as you thought. She couldn’t find anyone to talk to about surrogacy.

Started in the UK - charities and agencies but all had really long waiting lists and they’d already spent 5 years trying to get pregnant, and couldn’t deal with another wait of 3 years. She found a few couples to talk to but didn’t have access to the Insta community that exists today.

Anna talks about how she now realises that Surrogacy was the light at the end of the tunnel for them and how incredible the women are who do it. She describes how Surrogacy is so complex of the process was something she buried herself in which helped her almost deal with the grief of not being able to carry.

Surrogacy in India

India had the longest reputation of surrogacy but had been shrouded in bad press and was halted for a while. They visited 10 clinics and found a Dr and clinic they loved who were running a lovely programme all centred around the wellness of the surrogate. They started the IVF process in the UK and then had egg collection and embryos fertilised in India and then were found a surrogate. She still had nobody to talk to about this.

Complications of Surrogacy Abroad

The first step is to find a lawyer who is really experienced.

The pregnancy was difficult - people weren’t talking about it, so Anna didn’t tell hardly anyone until about 24 weeks.

It felt hard to believe

She worried that people thought she was undeserved of being pregnant because she wasn’t carrying the bump. Anna describes skulking around John lewis looking at prams, terrified someone would ask her why she was there and she was asked who she was buying the pram for and she said she mumbled ‘it’s complicated’ and walked off as she wasn’t ready to tell a stranger.

Anna explained how you never know if someone is going to say ‘congrats’ or if they will ask complicated questions. She walked away and ordered everything online.

Telling Work

Anna explained how they talked to close friends who were really supportive but she was worried about work as she was the first person who had done it, was concerned about her position. She told them at 24 weeks, however, they had no policy for anyone doing surrogacy.

How they talk to their children

They’ve talked about how children are bought into the world. They have pictures and memorabilia of India all around. They talk about how Mummy’s tummy is broken and another mummy helped to grow her. They celebrated Divali, making sure to normalise her culture and how she was bought into the world. Isla - 5 Always say thank you to Sheparla her surrogate and India. They don’t have a relationship with her as she didn’t want to and also doesn’t speak English. Anna writes a letter every year to her clinic with a picture of Isla both to Sherparla and her children. It’s different with the twins as they are in touch with Holly, her surrogate in San Diago, and has pictures of her in their nursery. They are still in contact with her. Surrogacy is an everyday conversation.

Feeling conspicuous by not carrying her children

She didn’t enjoy the pregnancies as she was so worried and now her children are 2 and 5 she knows she is no less of a mother despite not carrying them and she wishes she had owned the pregnancy more. Anna talks about when you’ve had this constant feeling of your body failing you when trying to conceive and have created the embryos

Our second guest is Mike Ellis - one half of Two Dads UK, with his partner Wes and founder of My Surrogacy Journey, a membership for Intended Parents to get legal advice, clinical advice, medical support, counseling all the way through to birth and support with doula support, midwife, nutritional plans and that is what they’ve created. Its UK, US, and Canadian surrogacy support. Mike and Wes are also running the Modern Family Show on18th Sept.

What fertility tests are needed?

We discuss fertility tests and how there is an arrogance within the gay community that they are fertile and we sadly know that Infertility doesn’t discriminate. Mike talks about men going to the clinic for tests and being totally infertile due to abuse of anabolic steroids or a party lifestyle. Intended fathers maybe felt immune to infertility and for this reason, they work with Exseed to make sure the men have access to their membership.

The Legalities

Mike and Wes feel you should be informed by a legal expert before embarking on a Surrogacy journey, all members get 2-3 legal consultations included so they understand the current situation in the UK. They have 7 law firms in their directory, which they have handpicked the best experience to support people.

What they wish they’d learnt

They didn’t fertilize all their eggs in one go as the clinic said their donor would resonate her eggs for a sibling, but she sadly didn’t. They wished they’d created the embryos from both their genetic material from the start. So this meant that they lost the genetic connection in their family - it was out of their control and they can understand people grieving a genetic loss.

They have learned that surrogacy is something you really take your time with as they only had implications for counseling but Mike talked about how his mental health spiraled very quickly when Duke was born and there not being a genetic link. He felt all sorts of confusion but found he was overcompensating to the detriment of his mental health.

He wasn’t talking with Wes and they had serious chats about whether they would stay together and he wishes someone had talked with them about being a solid unit and how much of an impact it would have and Mike talked about in hindsight how important self-care is.

Hear more of Mike and Wes’s story about their own story and their Modern Family Show 18th Sept

https://www.thefertilitypodcast.com/twodaddies/

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Anna Buxton

Two Dads